Fading... - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Pinky1011
New Member

since 2000-03-26

Posts 3
Toledo, Ohio

0 posted 2000-03-27 04:48 PM

Let's try this one on for size...

Fading

Standing in your wake,
I follow you around,
but you never notice,
since I lie there on the ground.

I do all that you do
in my own distorted way,
but you don't give a second thought
as to why I stalk you this way.

Now the sun dies down,
and my essence fades away,
but being chained to your feet
I try my best to stay.

Now the night is falling,
I cry to you as I go,
but you cannot hear my cries
no matter how I try to make it so.

The sun goes up and the sun goes down,
but you never seem to care,
that I will always be with you
for you I will always be there.

What do you think? To cliched?

[This message has been edited by Pinky1011 (edited 03-27-2000).]

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

1 posted 2000-03-27 04:52 PM

Well, I get it, without the shadow of a doubt, but I'll leave it for others to grasp.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2000-03-27 04:59 PM

Pinky:

Welcome to Passions and to CA.  I want you to know that any criticism I offer in this forum is intended to be constructive and that I am only giving you my opinions.  You are always free to disagree with me (in fact, I get nervous when too many people begin to agree with me).  That said, to you poem.

I don't think it is possible to write a poem about love without it being a little bit cliched.  The trick is approaching an incredibly over-written subject from a novel direction.  The best way that I have found to do this is to personalize my love poetry as much as possible while, at the same time, avoiding generalizations.  Do you understand what I'm saying?  Describe the person you are following around and why you are following that person in greater depth.  What feelings to your thoughts evoke?  Why?  The last stanza describes what I would consider something that would cause me to feel great sorrow.  Rather than letting us assume that you (or the subject of the poem) are feeling the same thing, describe those feelings of loss and loyalty.  Doing this well makes a love poem memorable.  Just my opinion.

Jim

P.S.  I thought the shadow being the speaker was clever but, again, I think you could go for more depth in the description of the feelings.  Even though this is written the p.o.v. of the shadow, this is a love poem, right?

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-27-2000).]

LittleBoyLost
Junior Member

since 2000-03-14

Posts 28

3 posted 2000-03-27 05:09 PM

I get it too but I agree with Jim that the wording could be more descriptive. Interesting poem.

LBL

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.