»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Nature's Beauty
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Nature's Beauty |
|
|
heng New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 5 |
Bees flit steadily from thorny roses to beaming sunflowers In search of pollen for marvelicious honey Yet I lie on my back on the green grass patch watching fluffy stuffed pillows fliting across the wide blue sky Ants scurry around hurriedly, their little legs scrambling about In search of food for long bleak winters ahead Yet I pile up fine sand as gentle waves caress my being The grand palaces fill me with pride The soft wish-wash sounds calms my soul Birds flap weary wings endlessly, travelling long distances In search of fresh wriggling worms for hungry young mouths Yet I wade across streams, a fishing net my only companion Spectrum of bright colours seems to flash me by Finally!Ha!A lovely fish my trophy for keeps Students cram hard with books everywhere, scribbling furiously on long white paper sheets In search of perfect grades for bright futures ahead Yet I climb overgrown giants struggling to keep balance on yew dew Fondling carefully small white eggs In awe that they will soar free tomorrow Office workers slog hard at work their paperwork a never-ending quest In search of a livelihood for their fulfillment Yet I bash thick bushes oblivious to my cuts and bruises Splendidly crafted works of art fascinate me, the spiders nicely tucked into small plastic jars Now,it seems everyone is living a harried life Worthwhile meaningful lives they must lead Why waste time on such useless stuff? They snigger Yet I beg to differ For what's life if one does not appreciate Nature's beauty? dear all,i am trying to write a poetry book for children and this is one of my efforts....do u think this is suitable?too long?wordy?boring?....any comments will be appreciated...thank you  ") |
||
| © Copyright 2000 heng - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello Heng First, what age group are you writing for. If you are writting for small kids then the poem is to long and I think complex. The words are too BIG. If our writing for grade school kids ie 3-6 the it is ok but still to long. i think it also sounds like an adult has written the poem. Try to re-write it from the view point of the age group you want to reach. See Ya |
||
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Heng, this is very nice. But I also think it may be a little too complex for young minds. Small children identify with much simpler rhyming schemes. Also it should be shorter as small children don't yet have the memory skills for more than one or two stanzas. Still, this piece is very good. I enjoyed reading it, and I look forward to your next one. Cap. And when the mower cuts us down, Together we will pass, I smiling at the buttercup, She smiling at the grass. "A Song The Grass Sings" Charles G. Blanden Cap. Carg. |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I suppose it does depend a little on what age group you're writing for (by the way I think that is such a great ambition!). I see this as suitable for 6-8 year olds perhaps. I myself was raised on R.L Stevenson's poetry - and he didn't hold back on the long words. Children are quick learners - I don't think they need to be shielded from large words, in fact - I think they encourage faster learning...all it requires is a patient caregiver to deliver the verses in an interesting interactive way. Like this verse for example: Birds flap weary wings endlessly, travelling long distances In search of fresh wriggling worms for hungry young mouths Yet I wade across streams, a fishing net my only companion Spectrum of bright colours seems to flash me by Finally!Ha!A lovely fish my trophy for keeps It provides such a wide range of imagery - it is the kind thing I would have loved when I was 6 or 7. It is around this age that, according to Piaget (whom I am a diehard fan of), kids are entering into the Concrete Operational stage of their cognitive development - where they learn how to interrelate facts and ideas. But they haven't learned how to form abstract ideas and hypotheses - this kind of verse I think could aid the approach to that development and consolidate ideas in the Concrete stage. Ie - they could form an understanding that worms can be used as for food for birds - and for fish: but only as bait... If this poem was spaced over a whole book, with plenty of illustrations it would be a great learning tool. And it is fun! I really like this...it needs some work, like most things do - forgive me - I don't have time to go into depth here right now - but one thing I would look at is the 'cram' - it just doesn't seem to fit. I do like much of the way you have linked sounds of words like 'yew dew' - just great. All in all, I think it is a really excellent effort, Heng - I'll be watching for more. < !signature-->'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-27-2000).] |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I like this a lot as an adult reader, though it may be a bit much for younger kids. One problem, no, two. First, in the early stanzas, the description IS the message; as you go on, you get more overtly "preachy," and your students and office-workers aren't as lovingly portrayed as your bees and ants. And your last stanza is far too didactic. I'd say cut that one. Second, as you progress, you (or your viewpoint character) get increasingly more active and bustling yourself (from lying in the sun, to "wading," "climbing," and finally "bashing") and I wonder if this doesn't undercut the point you started from. Keep the tone of the first stanzas throughout, though, and I think you'll have a really beautiful artifact. I hope you'll give us a new version soon. Welcome. |
||
|
Pinky1011 New Member
since 2000-03-26
Posts 3Toledo, Ohio |
This is an interesting piece, but it may be too wordy for children. What I think may help is fewer words about each example and more contrast between the two sides, like this: Bees flit steadily from thorny roses to beaming sunflowers. Students cram hard with books everywhere, In search of perfect grades. Ants scurry around hurriedly, for long bleak winters ahead This is just a suggestion, I don't mean to re-write your poem or anything. I hope this helps. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
