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I Cannot Say Good-bye
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I Cannot Say Good-bye |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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I Cannot Say Good-bye I cannot say good-bye, my love Good-bye does not exist The essence of the spoken word The tides of fate resist And hopes of our tomorrow are Engraved upon a kiss A fond farewell is tender sorrow Whispering once more The sweet refrain of longing heartache Etched upon the door And blowing in the willow branch The songs of ever more And so, my darling, as we part No farewell will I send But only wish Godspeed, my love, Until we meet again And keep engraved upon your lips My love til lovers’ end Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-17-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Elizabeth, I know you may get some comments about over-used phrases and such, but I think this was a perfectly lovely poem. I'm a sucker for love poems anyway, but this one, in particular, touched me. The one line I might try to change, because it is so close to "parting is such sweet sorrow", is the first one of the second stanza. I liked the three rhymes, or near rhymes, in the stanzas of six lines, and the last two lines of each of those. I would recommend, however, to change one of the "engraved"s to another suitable word. That said, I still feel this is a very nice piece of work...straightforward and heartfelt. Good job, Elizabeth, Kristine I also liked "The essence of the spoken word The tides of fate resist." Nice phrasing. Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Elizabeth, Got to run right now so can't say much except, I wish I had written this. It absolutely fascinated me. I will get back later today and have more to say. Thanks for your patience. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
i second the love for romantic poetry...the emotions need no explanation. love to write them myself and wish i could do them as fluidily as you. i have a problem with the six line stanza and the "and" connectors but that is just how my ear works...am sure most would find them quite beautiful. i particularly like these two phrases " fond farewell is tender sorrow" "the sweet refrain of longing heartache" |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
warmhrt, Thank you for your comments. I edited the line you mentioned, and then went back and changed it back again to the original line. Someone else liked the line and I realized that I didn't have the famous "parting is such sweet sorrow" in my mind when I wrote it.I tried to replace the second "etched", but couldn't think of one that improved the line. perhaps someone can suggest another word for me. I appreciate your comments, warmhrt. Thanks Liz DianaB, I see what you mean by the "and" connectors. I didn't notice them until you meantioned it, but I guess they are really rhythmic fill-ins. I did change the last one, but am having trouble with the others. I kind of like the six line stanza, although I realize the rhyme is not perfect. Thanks so much for your expertise. much appreciated Liz Diana, Now I went back and put the "and" back in because it just flows more smoothly. I'll wait to see if anyone else comments on my "ands". But I will always be aware of this tendancy in my poetry. Thanks Liz [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-17-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK Liz, Lunch is over and I'm back. I have reread and reread and still find that I can't offer much criticism. Personally, I love the ballad meter with the sestet format. But this is CA and we must keep Brad and Trevor at bay  so here goes. Personally I usually like punctuation and since you have used a few commas, I would fully punctuate. Otherwise, probably leave them all out.First stanza: 1) add a comma after my love (parenthetical element) or remove the one before. 2) I would add a semicolon at end of line 2, a comma at end of line 3 and a period at the end. 3) Finally I would move "Are" from line 6 to line 5, making your meter consistent throughout the poem  So it looks like: "I cannot say good-bye, my love, Good-bye does not exist; The essence of the spoken word, The tides of fate resist And hopes of our tomorrow are Engraved upon a kiss." BTW, those last two lines are simply stunning. Second Stanza: I like a comma at the end of the first line and a period after the last. "I'll always feel this tender sorrow, Whispering once more The sweet refrain of longing heartache Etched upon the door And blowing in the willow branch The songs of ever more." Third Stanza: 1) Technically, I think the first line wants a comma but I would leave it out as you have. 2) In line 3 "my love" is again parenthetical and should have a comma after or not have one before. I think it flows better with both in but then you might want to remove the one after wish. 3) Another period at the end. "And so, my darling, as we part No farewell will I send But only wish Godspeed, my love, Until we meet again And keep engraved upon your lips My love til lovers’ end." I know some of this sounds pretty nit-picky and it probably is. But I just can't find anything else to say. Like I said before, I wish I had written it. Thanks for a great read. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Pete, Thank you so much for your lengthy response. For one who is so particular, your remarks are very flattering. I appreciate the corrections in punctuation. I always thought to only put in that punctuation which would aid in the reading of the poem. Is it necessary to use periods at the end if you use commas in the middle of a phrase? Are there any rules regarding this? I am very lax in punctuation. I am humbled by your compliments. Thanks again Liz |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi again, Sorry, I'm not the one to give an authoritative answer to your questions about rules and propriety. I know several of our fine poets here and elsewhere avoid punctuation completely and seem to get by with it. My personal preference is to use punctuation as correctly as I am able, with some variants allowed improve readability. I know you are trying to point out places where a pause is desired that I might not realize and you assume I know to stop at the end. But, for some reason, partial punctuation just seems incomplete or something like that. After having said all this, I can't say with any certainty that I understood it either  So, I don't know what is right or wrong, desirable or not. Only that I am more comfortable with than without, for whatever that's worth. But, having posed such difficult and technical questions, I feel certain that more answers are forthcoming. (Do I hear the approaching footsteps of a moderator?) Some of them will probably be useful and some will likely be as vague as mine  In any event, I stand by my original appraisal of this poem. A beauty. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Thanks, Pete, let's hear what they have to say. It's a question I've always had, but never thought to ask. Personally I think in poetry, anything goes. But I am rather new to poetry and never studied it, so I haven't a clue. Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
L~ I think this poem would be better if you ended it with the idea of: And keep these words upon your lips My love will never end. instead of And keep engraved upon your lips My love til lovers’ end As a reader, I'd prefer to see something different than something repeated. (But that's just me and it's your poem.) best regards, bboog |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, Thanks for the suggestion. You are the second one who didn't like the repetition of the wors "engraved". I like your ending also, but can't decide which one I like better. perhaps we'll get a third opinion. Thanks you for reading and commenting Liz |
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