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Spirit of the Song
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Spirit of the Song |
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~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
Such beauty in the spirit of the song, like tiny angels flighting thousandfold- like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. And such a voice does not know right from wrong, reaching out for meaning to keep ahold- such beauty in the spirit of the song. Sculpting images while going along, this voice cannot render what it is told- like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. Ever-changing and yet, so very calm, the paintings in the mind are strong and bold- such beauty in the spirit of the song. Each word this voice sings lingers on and on... finding love’s measured in incense and gold- like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. N’er there were alterations that were wrong. Feeling takes upon those much too cold. Such beauty in the spirit in the spirit of the song, like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. ©1999 Erin Solari (I have posted this in the Open Poetry forum as well, but this is my first time at trying to write a villanelle. The idea I received is from the web site suggested to my by Poet deVine.) ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." |
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| © Copyright 1999 ~one voice~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK - one voice - I'm working on this one for you...  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK - 'Tis Worked! I'm sooooo happy to see someone take an interest in poetic formats... This'll be fun.. Here's what I see.... First - Your message flows nicely - That's important. There are dissenting opinions as to whether or not the repeated lines (a1 and a2) should be verbatim, or contain minor variations of internal wording. Yours, being verbatim, are in order. My only issue on syntax would be the repitition of the word "gold" so closely in lines 14 and 15. Changing that one would be a chore, though. Second - You have your rhyme scheme intact - That's good.... a-b-a1 a-b-a2 a-b-a1 a-b-a2 a-b-a1-a2 Third - Your meter - Here's where we need to do some schmoozing....Proper meter, of course, is more than just counting syllables. Lines 1,2,3,4,6,9,11,12,13,15,16,18, and 19 are all in perfect iambic pentameter. That means five feet per line of unstressed/stressed meter. Here's my suggestion for a "schmoozed" meter, with slight variations in lines 5,7,8,10,14, and 17. Such beauty in the spirit of the song, Like tiny angels flighting thousandfold - Like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. And such a voice does not know right from wrong, It reaches out for meaning to keep hold - Such beauty in the spirit of the song. Ensculpting images in flight along, This voice can't render that which it is told - Like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. 'Tis ever-changing, yet so very calm, The paintings in the mind are strong and bold - Such beauty in the spirit of the song. Each word this voice sings lingers on and on... Love’s measure found in incense and in gold - Like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. N’er there were alterations that were wrong. As feeling takes upon those much too cold. Such beauty in the spirit in the spirit of the song, Like gold in love’s first kiss that wakes the dawn. Nicely done, Erin Nancy  |
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~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
Nan, I cannot express how much I appreciate your help! The changes that you made do sound much better! In fact, the "schmoozing" you mentioned are the parts where I sat here for long periods of time trying to figure out how to make it sound better. I just couldn't think of how. My only question to you is this: Can you explain to me the terms you've highlighted above? Preferrably, feet. I'm not quite familiar with that term, though I think I understand a little. Again, thank you so very much for your help! Erin P.S. I will edit the version in Open Poetry. ------------------ ~onevoice~ "She looked at her life like lines, never-ending, constantly forming, reforming and bending." [This message has been edited by ~one voice~ (edited 08-15-99).] |
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