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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Island |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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It was but a small pearl, In such a vast sea of so many barren shells, Offering up its intense hues, Tantalizing with beguiling discoveries Of the variant faces in its natural forces. It pulled me into the Herculean current above, And held me...till I drowned, Its charm cascaded into me, The mystical, the mythical, All forming clear, rippling pools within me. The pearl's shell folded slowly around me, Then closed... And, inside, I was lulled by distant serenades, Wooden flutes, hand-played drums, And the sound of brief, warm rains Saturated with sweet, heady fragrance. I sank... Fully, completely, And wanted no attempts made To be pulled out, To be pulled away... I wanted only to become a small part, A hint or a swirl of new color Within the magnificence That was this pearl. Kristine < !signature--> Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-17-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kris, Glad to have you posting again. You always give me enough material to do one of my patented cut and paste jobbies  "It was but a small pearl, In such a vast sea of so many barren shells, Offering up its intense hues, Tantalizing with beguiling discoveries Of the variant faces in its natural forces." Not a bad opener but my suggestion is to chop out some of the small words. Right away the stanza had a feel of analogy rather than just a description...ie. "A small pearl, a vast sea of barren shells, Offering up intense hues, Tantalizing with beguiling discoveries Of variant faces in natural forces." Just an idea Kris.....I won't be guffed if ya send it to the "Garbagola" file. "It pulled me into the Herculean current above, And held me...till I drowned, Its charm cascaded into me, The mystical, the mythical, All forming clear, rippling pools within me." Ohhhhhh those damn "..."s, uggg, my enemy (and since its my critique I can bitch about it all I like  ). I thought you had a couple to many "me"s in this stanza. One suggestion is:"It pulled me into the Herculean current above, And held strong...till I drowned, It cascaded charm, The mystical, the mythical, All forming clear, rippling pools within me." "The pearl's shell folded slowly around me, Then closed... And, inside, I was lulled by distant serenades, Wooden flutes, hand-played drums, And the sound of brief, warm rains Saturated with sweet, heady fragrance." ohhhh my those buggering "..."s The second line seemed redundant, folded already gave me that picture. Consider losing "And" in the third line. This stanza paints a lot of pretty pictures but it didn't seem to say anything to me. Was it just a feeling you were going for? Just curious. "I sank... Fully, completely, And wanted no attempts made To be pulled out, To be pulled away... I wanted only to become a small part, A hint or a swirl of new color Within the magnificence That was this pearl." Kris...could you...stop using...the dot-dot-dot thingy...it's very...distracting... "Fully, completely" reminds me of a Tragically Hip record and I think it's a book title. I liked the ending and thought the last six lines were the strongest part of the poem, except for the evil "..."s The poem as a whole seemed to direct with its big-picture analogy and I couldn't help but feel a little short changed by your talent (especially after the last one you wrote...it was incredible "Freedom???"). Maybe consider losing the first person perspective to help add more mystery/aura? to it. Just a suggestion. Thanks for the read, nice to have you back, take care,Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trev, Sorry, but I love those dot-dot thingies, so you'll just have to get used to them when you critique my work. Wrote this on the plane home. Thanks for the pointers ... I'll think on them and do some editing. Still jet-lagged ... my body clock is still on Maui time and my mind is fuzzy. I should have been in bed long ago.(Close to 3 A.M. here, but it's only 10 P.M. there) I certainly agree about the too many "me's" in the second stanza...thanks. All I was actually attempting to say in this is that I found Maui to be a paradise on earth, and did not want to leave. Thank you also for saying my work gives you a lot of material for your c & p's...that was such a sweet thing to say...boosted my ego...made me feel so good about my writing. One of these days I'll have to write something that will wear out those buttons. Thanks again for reading, and for the suggestions, Canucklehead...Take care, Kris Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Kris, it's your favourite cut and paste man again...BTW I really did mean that cut and paste comment as a compliment....I didn't mean that your work is bad that it gives me a lot of whipping material but that your poetry is interesting and there is usually a lot to dissect.....I wouldn't want to deflate that large ego of yours ..okay that was a ribbing "I certainly agree about the too many "me's" in the second stanza...thanks. All I was actually attempting to say in this is that I found Maui to be a paradise on earth, and did not want to leave." With this poem I didn't get the metaphor/analogy or whatever you call it as a specific, ie. Maui. I thought of it as more you finding something beyond your life that is beautiful and you wanting to be a part of it. Perhaps consider opening the poem with stanza #3 or one like it and paint paradise first then show its effect on you. Just an idea. Talk to ya la'ta, Trevor |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hello there,i agree with Trevor on the first stanza.yes,i feel tightening the 1st stanza will make it a better read.trevor's revised version makes this reader grasp your idea immediately instead of having to swim around this big chunk of words,figuring out the meaning..... however,i beg to differ with Trecor on the 3rd stanza.though the beautiful pictures painted by the reader might not mean anything useful,they filled me with a sense of awe, of wonder.sometimes poetry don't have to mean anything--it is just as good if a reader derives a childlike delight from it....At least this is what i feel ")i like the last stanza.if maui is indeed so beautiful,i want to be part of that pearl also so that i can see for myself the intense beauty of it...Ha!! ") |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Good to have you back. Sounds like you enjoyed your trip. My brother and hist wife were there just a couple of weeks ago and they didn't offer to take me along either  Oh, this is CA. Well, of course it was clear right away that you weren't writing about an actual pearl, but I didn't make the connection with Maui until reading the responses. It was pretty clear that you were writing about something joy enjoyed very much and became or could become completely absorbed in. I go back now to try toanalyze in depth but find that I cannot. Your technique of carying this one beautiful metaphor through the whole poem was really carried off well. It was so effective that it could almost stand as fact rather than fiction. I tried to find a favorite part and, again, that was difficult. I will quote the beginning, however. "It was but a small pearl, In such a vast sea of so many barren shells, Offering up its intense hues, Tantalizing with beguiling discoveries For me, these 4 lines set the whole thing up perfectly and somehow put me in the right mood to absorb the remainder. Very well done and most enjoyable. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kaile, Thank you for reading, and also for the comments. However, though I do agree with Trev about the "me"s in the second stanza, I'm not sure I wholly agree with his tightening up of the first...something seems to be lost in his version...that it is the pearl offering up, not the pearl and the sea of barren shells. Oh well, I'll work on it. Thanks again, kaile, Kris Pete, Thanks for the welcome back. I am glad to be back to CA, but not to this cold weather. I'm thrilled that you were able to grasp the idea behind this right off...that is what I was trying to do...just sing my praises and tell how I wish I could've stayed. (I'm already searching for a job there via the net) It didn't have to be Maui in particular...it could've been anyplace that affected me in that manner. Thank you again for your kind comments, Pete, Kris Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper |
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