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Critical Analysis #1
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do angels fall without you there?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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do angels fall without you there? |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon 
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Dark sun Mountain sighs Black gull cries Close your eyes Search inside If you don't look Does she still fly? Painted wind Raging sea Aging moon Can you break her? Can you make her? Night's so cold Story's untold Riddles unfold Does she spread her wings Listening to the earth as it sings? If you walk away Heart turned to stone Does she fly all alone? Does she fall without you there? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Heather Walters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It's an interesting variation on the old 'if a tree falls . . .' but I wonder if the rhyme began to take over in the second part. The first part is well done. You've got a strong image thing going but I don't understand why the story, riddle thing has to be there. Can the spirit soar without retrospection? It's an interesting idea. I think some commas would help with the flow though -- I found the jump to 'search inside' a bit jarring. "Heart turned to stone" could be rewritten as well, I think. By the way, I hate angels in poems on principle (show me a poetry board without one angel poem or angel reference and I'll buy you a beer  ) -- but I liked this enough to let you get away with that. Brad |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Tending to agree with Brad here - I think the first half of this is very crisp and well done (no pun on a piece of steak intended) and the second becomes a little loose... Theology hey? Too late at night for that for me - lol. I do like the last line though, and think that it could perhaps stand alone even for extra effect. One thing - I feel that 'heart turned to stone' might be a little cliched and maybe another metaphor which is less common could work? All in all this is a good piece of work! 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
When I wrote this poem, I was just about *posessed* LOL . It fell off my fingers as I typed, I was in a really dark mood after having some doubts about a relationship I was in. I never quite got what I meant by this poem, odd enough. It still feels as if someone else wrote it, not me. I put this here more for a theological discussion than it's poetical merits...but that was awesome getting the ideas etc. thank you, I will look at re-working it (if it lets me ).~X~ |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Heather At first sight, with the hint in your reply, this seems like a fairly straightforward piece about the insecurity and doubts which might assail one during the breakup of a relationship. “Dark sun Mountain sighs Black gull cries Close your eyes Search inside” These lines suggest sadness. All of the first three lines contain a word with this association: Dark, Sighs, Black, Cries. The next two strongly suggest a turning inwards, away from painful reality. So the scene is set of a speaker trying to escape pain by turning inside herself. “If you don't look Does she still fly? Painted wind Raging sea Aging moon Can you break her? Can you make her?” In this section I think we get a hint of what the poem is all about “If you don’t look does she still fly”, or in other words can the speaker exist in isolation from her partner, can she have a life of her own? And in the latter part of this section suggestions of an anger felt. Possibly a rebellion against a loss of liberty? “Night's so cold Story's untold Riddles unfold” I wasn’t desperately keen on this part. It seemed a little trite. The words “story’s” (which I think maybe should have been “stories”), and “riddles” don’t i think help in this connection. “Does she spread her wings Listening to the earth as it sings? If you walk away Heart turned to stone Does she fly all alone? Does she fall without you there?” I read this (and the poem) in two slightly different ways, or both of them together. Firstly this could simply be seen as the speaker questioning whether she can live without her partner and blossom ie simply self doubt for the future. Or secondly maybe we could see this piece as the speaker trying to look inside the thoughts of her partner to ask “what does he think?. “Does he believe that my whole life revolves around him? Does he arrogantly assume that without him I cease to exist?” This leads me on to say that so far I have assumed that the poem is of restricted value ie restricted to the personal experience of the speaker. However I suppose we could see something of a universal application. Perhaps the writer is raising the whole question of the nature of “reality”? Is it “subjective” or “objective”? There’s been an interesting debate recently in Philosophy 101 on this so I don’t propose to elaborate here, other than to say something along the lines of we are only as “real” as we appear to others .....lol. Figure that out?  Thought provoking poem Thanks Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 03-19-2000).] |
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