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Critical Analysis #1

Betrayal(revised)

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

0 posted 2000-03-16 03:58 AM

Heavy footsteps on the ground
Profanities spewed out with a venom
The key in the lock turned
A drunken fellow staggered in
His very presence struck fear

"Where's your money?"
"You better give it to me..."
"No" was her simple answer
"The kids need it for school"
Her body trembled
She sweated profusely
But her soft,gentle voice was steady and calm

"You won't give it to me"
A loud frightening roar filled the air
Hurling furniture across the room
She stood trance-like
Shuddering even as she braced herself

Yet,she dared herself to steal a glance at him
even as he rummaged around wildly for
something to hit her with
For a moment she thought she saw
the tall,dark,handsome knight in shining armour
who had proposed to her so charmingly
"I will take care of you forever"
"We will face the unknown together"
His earnest promises while she stood bemused
and nodded bashfully

Lies!All lies!she wanted to exclaim
The concentration of acid in her body doubling

A resounding slap across the face
A painful hit from his baseball bat
Her shrill voice cut through the air
Her dam finally collapsed
The well of tears that
she had always kept sealed
in a remote corner of her heart
now flowed freely
down her cheeks,
as if delighted to be released at last

She sank to her feet in despair
She now cried unabashedly
For her white angel was no more...

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-03-17 05:10 AM

I'm surprised that I didn't comment on the earlier version but you've got some powerful stuff going on in this one. I particularly like the glance to a former time and the idea that the man, as he claimed to be, could still be there. I would have liked to have seen that developed a bit more. In this situation of course the woman in the poem must not consider this, she must leave but I wonder if you might consider writing a more subtle poem, one that shows the rest of us men, not as knights in shining armor, nor as drunken brutes (not all of us who drink actually become violent, you know) but as, well, men. I'm not saying you should change this one but my own interests are not in the extremes portrayed here but in the middle ground -- that is where I think most of us are.

Still, I thought this was well done.

Brad

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