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my best haiku so far
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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my best haiku so far |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Reflections on a cloudy day Candy floss,soft wool Fluffy white clouds in blue sky Scented angels fly |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kaile, My first suggestion, and this is only a suggestion, but perhaps think about only putting the title of your poem where it says subject instead of asking for comments or telling us what you think about the poem you've written. Everyone here likes comments and everyone here is somewhat proud of the work they post so it kinda of goes without having to say it. Once again it is only a suggestion, feel free to do as you please but often the thing that attracts a reader is the title rather than a "beg" to be read. Now on to your haiku.... "Candy floss,soft wool Fluffy white clouds in blue sky Scented angels fly" The only suggestion I have is think of something other than "fluffy white clouds". I think you've done an excellent job with imagery with the first line using similarities but then reverted to being too direct with "Fluffy white clouds", ie. "Fluffled up pillows in blue sky" or "White whisped collage in blue sky", just suggestions. I really liked the scented angels part though it didn't paint any pictures for me but rather just left a good feeling, almost a childlike feeling, like the smell of gingerbread cookies. Anyways, I enjoyed this haiku very much, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
really, move into tanka, trust me... the cold walk, silence between us the creek running under ice Tom Clausen Ithaca, New York hazy autumn moon the sound of chestnuts dropping from an empty sky I gather your belongings into boxes for the poor Margaret Chula Portland, Oregon night cries . . . wild geese leaving winter bring winter -- I wear remembrance in a necklace of shells Ellen Compton Washington, D. C. watching her sweep up November's fallen leaves I am love shaken . . . her body moving almost as it did when we were young George Knox Riverside, California the border guards carelessly let them cross the Rio Grande these undocumented monarch butterflies Kenneth C. Leibman Archer, Florida outside my back door big iced boot marks i throw bird seed chickadees try to take his place sally l nichols Shelburne, Massachusetts ________________________________________________________________________ [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 03-16-2000).] |
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