navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Your Gone (a song)
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Your Gone (a song) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-03-09 04:01 PM



This is a little song i wrote the other day.  Just thought it sounded cool so i'll share it with you all.  Imagine some cool music being played while you read it, (just for dramatics j/k).  Here ya go


stuck in this simulation
devoid of stimulation
my brain falls on weakened knees
breakin' out, where's my keys
broke down the wall, now i can see
I must get away from man's inhumanity

I know that place
that place where we sat alone
wastin' life away
knowin' one day i'd be gone

Just like parted friends
back together to tie up loose ends
one end in your hand of strif
other lenced around me, draining my life

I know that place
that place where we sat alone
wastin' life away
knowin' one day i'd be gone

Just like fighters on the battle field
i turned my back, my fate is sealed
time has run out, almost to the end
remember back in the day when you were my friend

You know that place
where we sat alone
i wasted my life away
and i knew when i came back
you'd be gone

3-7-00


 "Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it."
Henry David Thoreau

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
1 posted 2000-03-14 02:41 PM


overall i'd have to say that i am pleased with this song.  too often, you see songs filled with platitudes and trite rhyme.  your song seems to avoid that and keep its focus, which is impressive.  i like the change in the refrain at the end.  that works really well.  one minor point, which i wouldn't even bring up were it not a song, is the rhythm in this section.

Just like fighters on the battle field
i turned my back, my fate is sealed
time has run out, almost to the end
remember back in the day when you were my friend

the last line is awkward.  it doesn't follow the same format as the stanza above it.  also i find it odd that there are no stanzas with the same format as the first one.
anyways, thanks for sharing this.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Your Gone (a song)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary