North Latitude 18 degrees 25 minutes

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whipsnade
Junior Member

since 2000-02-28

Posts 40

0 posted 2000-03-09 12:16 PM

To J bouder from  whipsnade [third draft]
     be gentle, its my first time.

     18 Degrees 25 Minutes North Latitude

    Rolling seas, wind whipped brine
     banshees howling through sheet and line        Three days running without a sign
      of land or man to attest his course as true
    Or gods benign.

    At last the storm subsides, a setting sun
      of deep red gold his guide
    To safe harbor in Marigot.
      north degrees 18, minutes 25.

    The hook is down the sails are reefed
      the craft secure in bay serene.
    Bone weary. fatigued in soul
      the Captain rests his beaten frame
    On pallet wet with salt and sweat
      of journeys past perhaps to dream
    When all his hopes were not the toll.

    And dream he did, but then awoke
      to view above through open hatch
    A piece of sky his dream bespoke
      of blue black velvet tropic night
    From which two sparkling diamond stars
      God's eyes did flash their pulsing light
    His overseer.
    And from their right did trail a
      filigree,
    A stardust tail, a smile mayhaps
      a tear.
    It was astounding of a whole,
      this life force flashing out its call
    "You are here"

    If I could paint he thought, what a
      picture it would make.
    It begged to be seen,that stark beauty
      to all conveyed.
    Naught before had struck such chord
      within his heart and mind.
    Should he seek it er'e again in that
      same place,he'd find no trace
    For it had been as much a thing of time
      as point in space.

    A glimpse from God forever castin his
      minds eye, to comfort him for now he
      knew.
    Such perfect symmetry of light and line
      of balanced contrast, regal sign,
    Could only mean there was a plan,
      a scheme, of which he was a part
    For he could not have known such beauty
      outside a dream.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-03-09 12:09 PM

whipsnade:

Gentle? Now that wouldn't be fair to everyone else, would it?

  Seriously, I'm not sure what you are worried about.  This is a nicely polished piece of lyrical work.

"Rolling seas, wind whipped brine
banshees howling through sheet and line
Three days running without a sign
of land or man to attest his course as true
Or gods benign."

I think this is a very strong opening "banshees howling" is a nice touch to paint the picture of this daunting scene.  Reminds me of the opening scene in "The 13th Warrior" with Antonio Banderas (I think it was a retelling of the historical Beowulf) riding in a Viking dragon boat during a storm in the open sea.

"At last the storm subsides, a setting sun
of deep red gold his guide
To safe harbor in Marigot.
north degrees 18, minutes 25."

I like that you incorporated some genuine nautical language in this.  It lends credibility to the idea that the sea captain is telling this story.  I don't have a nautical map handy but I'll take your word as truth as to the coordinates.

"The hook is down the sails are reefed
the craft secure in bay serene.
Bone weary. fatigued in soul
the Captain rests his beaten frame
On pallet wet with salt and sweat
of journeys past perhaps to dream
When all his hopes were not the toll."

I'm curious why you decided to drop the rhyme scheme.  I'm sure this was deliberate on your part and I don't think the dropped rhyme scheme takes anything away from the poem, I am only curious.  Again, the dropped "hook" (anchor)and "reefed" sails are well placed nautical lingo.

"And dream he did, but then awoke
to view above through open hatch
A piece of sky his dream bespoke
of blue black velvet tropic night
From which two sparkling diamond stars
God's eyes did flash their pulsing light
His overseer.
And from their right did trail a
filigree,
A stardust tail, a smile mayhaps
a tear.
It was astounding of a whole,
this life force flashing out its call
'You are here'"

The rhyme scheme is back and I'm wondering why you chose to format it like this.  The unrhymed stanzas sound less musical.  Perhaps this was your intent ... to communicate a sense of weariness?  I'm also partial to the notion of divine providence.  Not a burning bush or a multitude of angels but, rather, two stars a skilled navigator would recognize as being unusual and a celestial tear and three simple words, "You are here".

Your concluding paragraphs are very well written and I especially think, "For it had been as much a thing of time / as point in space" is well worded.  A small typo on e'er.
The assurance and renewal of the faith of the sea captain makes this a very uplifting piece.  It is nice to read a poem with such a positive outlook from time to time (especially when something as trying as an ocean storm opens your poem).

Good job and welcome to CA.  Hope you come back.

Jim

whipsnade
Junior Member

since 2000-02-28

Posts 40

2 posted 2000-03-09 08:43 PM

Hey Jim, its really rich that you WOULD zero in on the coordinates,,, theyr'e actually N 18 deg 05 minutes about 20 nautical south of the location in the verse.
Which is all mute anyway because I gave no Longitude/// but I didn't think "zero five"
would have worked as well. {don't ask me why }
  As for  changing the rhyme scheme, I really don't know  from this stuff but in taking your point I remember "feeling" at the time that it was somewhat altered but didn't know  why. In hindsight your hunch is right on the money,,, I think,it was an unconscious change in tempo,, from storm to calm... I wish I could say it was deliberate. As for the return to rhyme scheme I suppose that likewise was an increase in intensity again unconsciencely to
stress ,,is it a denoument??
  I'm beginning to scare myself here, the b/s is starting to flow naturally..
  Thanks a lot for the kind words and interest,, and by the way,, there's another of my efforts over in Spiritual Journeys ,,
"Deja Vue" from a couple of days ago that I didn't have the nerve to submit to your kind ministrations,, if you'd  be so kind, I don't know how to move this stuff around..
    Best regards, Ricardo

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