a fictional account (one little profanity, don't be offended)

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roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

0 posted 2000-03-07 10:10 PM

there she was on the last puff of a crashing wind
against my face and hands
against my cold wet hair with little bits of heat
rising off my scalp- three inches

she stayed a while on the fall of the leaves
held summer in her razored hands
she would roll up every last bit of sunlight and
smoke it like a cigarette- menthol

then like shame came spring again when all dull things disperse
and i was left there
standing. i was a perfectionist pessismist
but the glass is half full- of sh*t

now saunters in the summer and she's off again
i must have been quite difficult
i think she'll be back in the still of november
but for now i'm all alone- in silence

i think i'm quite through with my hiatus, so i hope that i can just blend back in. i missed reading your poetry, all of you.

"What is conversatism except adherence to the old and tired against the new and untried?"

Abraham Lincoln

roxane

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

1 posted 2000-03-08 08:25 AM

Difficult for someone of your talent to "blend" Rox .... "burst" back in would be better, and anyway you never left really, your poems kept popping up.

Once again your imagery and word choice is just amazing, these I liked best:

"there she was on the last puff of a crashing wind

cold wet hair with little bits of heat
rising off my scalp

she stayed a while on the fall of the leaves

she would roll up every last bit of sunlight

then like shame came spring again when all dull things disperse

now saunters in the summer"

Of those my favourite were:

"she stayed a while on the fall of the leaves

she would roll up every last bit of sunlight

now saunters in the summer"

and those three passages are just about as good as I've read anywhere, truly inspiring stuff Rox, makes me want to sit down and try to emulate you.

As for the poem itself I struggled as usual to get to grips with exactly what it was about. I've learned with your poems though that a line by line analysis simply doesn't work, there is usually just an overall feeling of meaning. Also you often tend to write about specific events or people not necessarily known to the reader which makes it perilous to read too much into specific lines. Characteristically in this poem I immediately wanted to know who or what "she" is?

Uncharacteristically for you, you incorporated a good deal of "nature" imagery mostly revolving round the seasons, and by the way let me say that you did it very very well. Is this poem simply about a person who comes and goes with the seasons ... like a fair weather friend? When "all dull things disappear" gave me the idea that the speaker was being temporarily cast off in favour of better things, but then when "winter" returns so will the "friend" seeking the comfort of the speaker again?

Or maybe this "she" isn't a person at all?

Your poems always haunt me Rox ..

Thanks

P

PS Small typo on "pessimist"

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

2 posted 2000-03-09 02:13 PM

R~
This has some nice images but starts out a little awkwardly (I think)

Maybe start out

The last puff of a crashing wind
she came to me
against my face and hands
like little bits of heat
against my cold wet hair
three inches-rising off my scalp.
Note- you're the artist, not me. So take it with a grain of salt.
best regards,
bboog

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

3 posted 2000-03-09 06:34 PM

Interesting poem, very creative lines. Probally could be applied to alot of different situations and maybe even moods of the speaker.

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

4 posted 2000-03-09 09:58 PM

Hello Roxanne

I would like to say that I really enjoyed the poem.  It had some wonderful images in it.

The opening line is perfect

"there she was on the last puff of a crashing win" great.  Imagery in the 1st stanza was great.

The second stanza was also very good, I like the play on the season in the first two lines.

The third and fourth lines are jsu breath taking.  I would leave out menthol. I do no know if you need the fact they are menthol. I know the effect that you want, i have smoked menthol cigarettes. but I think it is just as strong without it.

Third stanza.

First two lines I like.  Are you one of the dull thing?  The second line
"perfectionist pessismist" I think is weak

I like the last stanza as far as imagery but i felt like it left me hanging.  I think it was a little to obscure.

Thanks for posting.

see ya

Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven claws

Jim Morrison

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2000-03-10 10:43 AM

Hi Roxane,

It really is good to see you back. As always, your writings make fascinating reading. I won't try to critique this one except to say that I like it, as I do nearly everything you write (at least as far as I can understand some of them)

Well, welcome back. Hope to see more soon.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

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