»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
my first hiaku-do comment:)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
my first hiaku-do comment:) |
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
|
Composing My pen on my lips My face scowling in a frown Will i ever write? |
||
| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kaile: Excellent work here. Haiku generally have a natural theme with a philosophical application. There are poems with a similar format that have the philosophical application but not the natural theme but I can't remember if they are called "tanka" or "senryu". Anyway, from one pen-gnaw-er to another, good job. Jim |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you,jim for commenting.having been introduced to haiku,i find it so interesting.it seems so simple yet you must be an accomplished writer to be able to write at all!!!Agreed?  ")anyway,here's my 2nd haiku Our Sun Stare in awe at it~ Lies majestic in all glory! Warms the hearts of all. incidentally,i will love to see you guys showing me some of your haiku attempts(if any)so that i can grow as a writer ") |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kaile, I'm not much of a fan of haiku, can't seem to find much reason for it (ducking now all those harsh stares and even some ballistic objects) but I liked your first one. I guess Jim is right about the theme but this was just catchy  It looks like the second is an appropriate theme (and for some reason it also catches my eye) but isn't that an extra syllable in the second line? Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
You've got the form right (though there is that extra syllable in the second haiku.) Next dimension, as Jim suggests, is to make use of nature. The original haiku works largely through intimating the parallels between man and nature. So I can imagine a Tokugawa poet writing My pen will not move The ice on the window pane When will it melt? thus tying the log-jam (oops, another metaphor) of the poet's thoughts to the persistance of frozen winter. Here's one of mine. I was at a lecture on Japanese stone gardens, where the lecturer said that the greatest art was to make it look as if it wasn't art, but all natural. So I came up with mountains heaped pell-mell all trace of the gardener carefully concealed. |
||
|
Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
Haiku to me is an unexplored mystery...just the perfect combination of words to make an idea stand up and take notice...glad someone is exploring this form... |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you guys for reading this...yes...there is that extra syllable...i was too dense to notice it thank you Ted for your forthright comments and improving upon my Haiku.Hmmm...looks like i have a long way to go... your haiku was excellent!!i like the idea behind it too!!i will try to write one of mine using this idea though i won't know how long it will take...HA!!! ^.^pls share with me some more of your haiku |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You know, there is an argument that because of the radical difference between Japanese and English, the haiku movement should actually be something like twelve syllables, not the original seventeen. Now, I don't know if there's is any real logical background for this shift but I have read many of the modified haiku and they do seem to be more visually effective. By the way, for those of you who know him, fiesty Bob brought this information my way. Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
