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Freedom???
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Freedom??? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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She sailed from foreign ground in hopeful search Of freedom; all her wishes would come true. Yet work was all she knew; it did besmirch Her dreams of a new life. She soon outgrew Those fantasies as marriage brought eight young To clothe and feed, to tend. Then she was left Alone; consumption claimed him as she clung To memories of what they'd wrought. Bereft, She sold the farm, and moved into the town. On hands and knees, she scrubbed the dirty floors Of those she felt above her, till sundown, Then home to feed the children, and more chores. She always seemed to act unselfishly, I wonder, Gram, did you ever feel free? Kristine < !signature--> A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-03-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris I suspect that "freedom" isn't where you are or who you are or what you do or how much money you have ..... freedom is a state of mind don't you think? Your sonnet very graphically illustrates the futility of expecting a change of location and politics to fulfil a wish for freedom. I guess we all feel a little "trapped" sometimes. Thanks P |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, Yes...a state of mind is usually what defines freedom, but do you think there were many in slavery who possessed that state of mind? I think there are probably countless situations in which it would be impossible to attain. There could be acceptance of circumstances, perhaps even a peaceful acceptance, usually due to a lack of knowledge, or even fear. Okay...Jim's poem spurred me to ponder on this subject...and I'll shut-up now. Thanks for reading and for your comments, Philip. Kris A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I really couldn't find anything I would change about this poem. I would like to say, however, I thought it was very well done. I wanted to let you know that I did read it and look carefully for things to change, but found none. Nice job. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, Thank you for letting me know that you read this, and found it to be of your liking. Comments of this sort are appreciated just as much as advice on how to improve a piece.  Thanks again, Kristine A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris you're right of course, physical discomfiture is certainly not going to assist in attaining "freedom", and clearly if you define freedom purely in physical terms then you're gonna be severely handicapped to put it mildly .... lol. I suppose I was really focussing on the premise that someone who is physically free to go, and do as they wish isn't necessarily "free". P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I'm flattered that my sonnet was, in part, responsible for your writing this. My grandmother has a story very similar to yours. She immigrated to the US from Ireland, married my grandfather, a Mennonite man (I have Irish AND Pennsylvania Dutch in me ... no wonder I'm such a mess), and had four children to him. He died of colon cancer when my mom (the oldest child) was eight years old and my grandmother was faced with raising four young children by herself. So your sonnet hits close to home and I appreciate your writing it. That said, to your sonnet. Your rhyme scheme and syllable count were right on the mark and, for the most part, your meter was solid. I'm glad to see you are enjambing your lines more often (pretty challenging, isn't it?). I have some comments on a few lines. "her DREAMES / of a / NEW LIFE. / she SOON / out-GREW" The second and third feet are what some call a "double anapest". This is a pretty normal variation in iambic verse. What I want to know is if this was intentional. I suspect it was, Grasshoppa. "Those fantasies as marriage brought eight young To clothe and feed, to tend. Then she was left Alone;" I just wanted to point out your excellent use of enjambment here. "Of those she felt above her, till sundown," Just a little off on the last metric foot "SUN-down". Usually an unaccented syllable in the last foot in iambic verse is written as an eleventh (feminine) ending. Perhaps with a little rewording you could make this work. No problems with the content, btw. "Then home to feed the children, and more chores. She always seemed to act unselfishly, I wonder, Gram, did you ever feel free?" Okay, Kris. I can get past the meter problems because of the question posed here is a poignant one. How do you think your Gram would answer this? Your question brings up a good point about the nature of freedom. I think freedom is an ideal, not a state of mind or feeling. Because it is an ideal it is something that those who believe in freedom are willing to struggle to obtain/retain even if "discomforture", as Philip put it, describes the quality of that "fighter's" life. My father fought in the costliest war in human history and faced death, directly or indirectly, for the preservation of that ideal. Your Gram fought her own battle to make sure her children had a roof over their heads and food on the table. I think she understood the final line of my sonnet well: "True freedom never finds its rest in 'I'." She sounds like she was a selfless woman who loved her children dearly. Thanks for writing this, Kris. Jim |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hello there, i just like to say that i like this esp the last two lines....cos i think i'm glad to know your grandmother does't turn hostile or bitter despite all that has happened to her.....(as so many people would have been) she must be an extraordinary character ") |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim "An ideal" .. whether you were thinking of the noun or the adjective i can't see why you say "freedom is an ideal not a state of mind or a feeling". Surely it is BOTH; an ideal AND a state of mind or feeling? Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: I see your point. I suppose you are right. But actually "being" free doesn't depend on a person's state of mind or feelings (one can be free and not feel free) and "feeling" free doesn't necessarily mean one really is actually free (one can feel free when one is not). Interesting thought. Thanks. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kristine: I liked it. The word "besmirch" seemed out of place. Maybe instead of: "Yet work was all she knew; it did besmirch Her dreams of a new life." Something like: "Yet work was all she did. It didn't wreck her dreams of a new life." Hope this helps you! bboog |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
bboog, Thank you for reading, and I also appreciate the constructive criticism. Later, Kristine Jim and Philip, I will address both of you, since there seems to be a bit of a discussion going on.  My grandmother came here from Finland...I am of 100% Finnish heritage. She was the oldest of eight children, and was responsible for the younger ones, and did most of the "women's" chores, as my great-grandmother labored in the fields. She was 8 mths. pregnant with my mother, her youngest, when my grandfather died. After my mother married, and I was born, my gram moved in with the family to help out while my mother worked. She essentially raised the four of us, and, again, did most of the household work. She baked wonderful things...bread, pies, rolls, pasties, etc. that would fill the house with their enticing smells. She sewed beautifully, on a treadle sewing machine. Up at dawn, in bed by seven or eight, always working...her only relaxing pleasure was sitting in the rocking chair to watch "The Price Is Right". She moved into a senior-citizens' apartment building when my parents moved, although I had already married, and lived fairly close. She felt lost...doing and caring for others all of her life. I would invent reasons to go somewhere, so she could watch my children and feel useful. As time passed, she began to express some regrets about her life. She bought a cubic zirconia on one of our shopping trips..."I never had an engagement ring," she said. There were other similar times, and that is what caused me to wonder how she truly felt inside about things she didn't do, or didn't have. She was the most selfless person I have known, but I believe the word "selfless" is a bit contradictory. When a person gives of themselves to others, they recieve satisfaction in return...often the reward of feeling fulfilled, so, in essence, the concept of "selflessness" doesn't exist. As far as the freedom question goes...I think it is relative, as is reality. Everyone's is different. Absolute freedom only brings chaos (refer to "Lord of the Flies"), so we must live within a "free" society with all the rules and regulations that are heaped upon us. Thank you both for your comments and interest. Kristine A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim "I see your point. I suppose you are right. But actually "being" free doesn't depend on a person's state of mind or feelings (one can be free and not feel free) and "feeling" free doesn't necessarily mean one really is actually free (one can feel free when one is not)." >>> You express perfectly, exactly what I was trying to say.. Kristine "I believe the word "selfless" is a bit contradictory. When a person gives of themselves to others, they recieve satisfaction in return...often the reward of feeling fulfilled, so, in essence, the concept of "selflessness" doesn't exist" >>> well expressed thought Kris, and generally true I think. I suppose one could make some exceptions such as when a person lays down her/his life for another, although even in that instance there may be a kind of self cleansing immolation at work .. Carton in "A Tale of Two Cities" for instance?" P |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, This was very well done. Jim has already discussed the technical side and I don't have anything to add there. So I'll just say the messages, both freedom and gramma, were touching. On the tech side, I liked the way you worked in a few words we don't see rhymed every day, like besmirch and bereft. Nice work there. Thanks and keep 'em coming. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kaile, Thank you for your comments, and also for taking the time to read this. Pete, Thank you so much...you are always too kind. I see you have a new work on the forum. I'll check it out... Thanks again, Pete, Kris A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I'm not getting into the content, which has been so well covered here. I did wonder if the last line (Jim noticed the hitch in the meter) might read better "I wonder, Gram, if ever you felt free." (Just adding a slight touch of sandpaper to a very well-finished artifact.) |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Kris, Just wanted to say how excellent this poem is. I really don't have any constructive criticism this time around, there is nothing I can suggest to change in this poem (no I'm not being sarcastic but serious). I especially liked lines 8-12. Truly a gem of a poem. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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