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A poem in 5 parts( last part posted)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A poem in 5 parts( last part posted) |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
( If you would like to read the first 4 parts first check postings of last 10 days) The day after The sarcophagus that had become my life opened like a dormant seed, thirsty for air and light She filled me, fed my desires with her eyes and resurrected my passions with her smile I emerged like a moth from it’s iridescent crysalis, clinging to the only life that it has known. blind to it’s own transformation still seeing the world as a worm. In a moment of liquid existence wings taut and rigid with the new blood the moth leaps into enlightenment like a Buddha by the river I return to the world filled with the emptiness of my love consumed by the fullness of my loneliness drinking the drops of light in the darkest nights. [This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 03-01-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi there Tony I see you finally made it ... In my more learned colleague's absence you'll have to make do with me ...lol .. I guess though she might possibly have queried the abrupt change in the metaphor from the previous Promised Land (Biblical) stuff .. or maybe not ... Lol. Anyway as it happens I like nature imagery and metaphor and this sort of followed the "staggering stag" theme I suppose. "The sarcophagus that had become my life opened like a dormant seed, thirsty for air and light" I thought that this was good clear imagery .. good start "She filled me, fed my desires with her eyes and resurrected my passions with her smile" These two lines just seemed to ring with too much familiarity in contrast to the remainder of the poem. I think it is the references to "desires" and "smile" and "eyes" which do it. They are nice lines but just seem too obvious. "I emerged like a moth from it's iridescent chrysalis, clinging to the only life that it has known. blind to it's own transformation still seeing the world as a worm." This was for me the best stanza. The only word I would query is "iridescent", most chrysalises I have seen are drab and dull. Also, do you really want the chrysalis to be iridescent .. if it represents the speaker's former life shouldn't it be dull? Other than that the imagery and ideas in this bit were compelling. Small typo on "it's" >>> its. "In a moment of liquid existence wings taut and rigid with the new blood the moth leaps into enlightenment" Equally excellent .. (do insects have "blood" though?) "like a Buddha by the river" I know what you were trying to say here but I just wonder whether it isn't just too much. Redolent of the previous religious reference yet not really in sync with them and also kind of out of place in these stanzas full of natural images. "I return to the world filled with the emptiness of my love consumed by the fullness of my loneliness drinking the drops of light in the darkest nights." Great sounding stanza but I need some help on the understanding .. after the upbeat of the previous three stanzas please can you explain what was happening here. My own view overall is that you have succeeded in maintaining the excellence of the imagery from the previous sections of the poem (some who dislike natural imagery will disagree), however I am just a little concerned about how parts of this "fit in". Any input from you would be gratefully received. Thanks Philip |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello Philip What I wanted to do in the last poem is to descride what happens after a realtionship is over. I wanted to touch on how a person changes us first by making us feel new again This is the first stanza. In the second stanza i wanted to illustrate how we are transformed, by a realtionship and yet are still blind to the transformation. The third stanza represents that point in time, after it is over that you realize what you had and what you currently have( I.e how you have been transformed). It is the realization that you are transformed. As far as the last stanza I return to the world filled with the emptiness of my love consumed by the fullness of my loneliness drinking the drops of light in the darkest nights. What I wanted to say with the two middle lines is that(with a budhist twist)after it is over you are aware of a loss and thus feel empty. However, you are also aware of how lonely you are and thusa are filled with it. It plays on the budist idea of duality or ying and yang idea. The last line plays on the light/dark theme of the whole poem. It is meant to inspire hope or give an image of hope that in the darkness there is light( again a duality) Hope this answers your questions as far as the last two lines in the first stanza sounding familiar I agree. MAybe I will take them out but i am waiting for inspiration, so I can write or see something that will fit better. Thanks again Philip See ya Me < !signature--> Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws Jim Morrison [This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 03-03-2000).] |
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