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Animals and Toys for a Nursery
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Animals and Toys for a Nursery |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
#75 of 14,000 ANIMALS AND TOYS FOR A NURSERY How have we decorated for our children? We have sunrise yellow for the eastern wall, And the western glows in evening violets. Polar black and white divide the north, And the south sparkles tropical rainbow. We think they will find it beautiful. What toys are ready for them to play with? There are mountains for them to clamber on, Rivers and oceans to boat on and swim in, Lots of snow to mold and throw at each other, And whole jungles for their gymnasiums. They should grow strong and happy. What animals will go into the nursery? Rabbits and kittens to cuddle and love, Lions and horses to teach strength and will, Otters and porpoises to play games with, Giraffes and hippos just for the fun of it. What a furry, friendly nusery they will have. We think this evening and morning make a very good fifth day. Tomorrow let's have some kids. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 03-02-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Ted, Liked it. Light and airy but a little sentimental too. I particularly enjoyed the first stanza. "How have we decorated for our children? We have sunrise yellow for the eastern wall, And the western glows in evening violets. Polar black and white divide the north, And the south sparkles tropical rainbow. We think they will find it beautiful." as it seems to set the mood perfectly for the enhancements you add later. And the last line: "Tomorrow let's have some kids." was a treasure, just a complete surprise ending. Very well done. I don't think I understand the "fifth day" reference although I assume I know where it comes from, but that really isn't necessary for the enjoyment of this poem. Thanks for sharing. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Ted, I didn't get the 'fifth day' allusion but I enjoyed the rest. Calm style with a strong voice (with just the right about of irony leading up to the end). Don't know if 'clamber' is the right word there but I think I see where you're trying to go with that. Nothing else much to say (I'm tired) -- hope you keep posting this series. Brad |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Nice job. I have to agree about the sentimentality though. Parts of this poem are a little Hallmark-ish (especially the cuddly animals). I like the idea behind the poem however, and the surprise ending was nice. I interpreted the 5th day to be a biblical reference, so that on the sixth day you would "create man" in a sense (hence, the ending "Tomorrow let's have some kids.") Very nice I thought, and I would definitely keep it in the poem, the ending would not be the same without it. |
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Leslie New Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 8 |
Hi Ted, I love the way you draw an analogy between preparing a nursery and the story of creation. It also works on different levels. On one level you are actually describing the the world we were given, transposing the decor to a child's room, and on a deeper level we do, in a very real sense, create our child's world. Since this is part of a series, I'm reluctant to talk about style but my tendancy would be to cut to the bone of the substance. I, personally, don't care for centered poetry or question marks. I find both distracting. So, of course, I would present this in standard format and change the questions into declarative sentences. I would also exclude the last line of each stanza. I felt the commentary undercut the strength of your imagery. Lastly, I would try to think of a title that included your theme of creation without giving it away. I know this sounds radical but I try to offer an honest opinion because that's all I really have to offer. While I'm often off the mark because of my own limitations and bias, you can always count on me for an honest reader response. Best, Leslie Kadoom. Kadoom. Ka- dooom. Kadoom. Now I have beaten a song back into you, rise & walk away like a panther. 'Ode to the Drum' by Usef Komunyakaa |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I have (at least temporarily) revised this poem to Leslie's suggestions. Any comments? GENESIS We have decorated the nursery for our children. We have sunrise yellow for the eastern wall, And the western glows in evening violets. Polar black and white divide the north, And the south sparkles tropical rainbow. We have toys ready for them to play with. There are mountains for them to clamber on, Rivers and oceans to boat on and swim in, Lots of snow to mold and throw at each other, And whole jungles for their gymnasiums. Animals will go into the nursery. Rabbits and kittens to cuddle and love, Lions and horses to teach strength and will, Otters and porpoises to play games with, Giraffes and hippos just for the fun of it. We think this evening and morning make a very good fifth day. Tomorrow let's have some kids. ********************************************* "And the evening and the morning were the fifth day . . . and God saw that it was good . . . And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness . . . " First Book of Genesis, vs. 23-26. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
For what It's worth, I like the original better. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted: I apologize. I am very late at this. I agree that the nursury/creation parallel was an excellent I idea. It seems to me the poem could have gone in a thousand different directions. I didn't have a problem with the 5th day allusion and recognized it to indicate the end of the day of creation immediately prior to man's creation (on the 6th day ... God rested on the 7th). Nice job. Jim P.S. I think I like the first draft better as well. JMHO. |
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Leslie New Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 8 |
Hi Ted, As stands, I'd have to agree that I like the first draft better thought I prefer the new title. To make it work in a more standard format, you'd have to both tighten it and strengthen the imagery, like We have decorated the nursery. Sunrise yellow rises on the eastern wall, and evening violets glow upon the west. Sled teams cross the north in polar black and white while south, rainbows sparkle above tropical forests. Just a quickly written example, sure you could do better. Best, Leslie Kadoom. Kadoom. Ka- dooom. Kadoom. Now I have beaten a song back into you, rise & walk away like a panther. 'Ode to the Drum' by Usef Komunyakaa |
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