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A Cloud
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Cloud |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
We drove underneath a cloud. The world seemed distorted again. I feel the craziness building like a snowdrift. I feel our animal coming out to face the world. At night when I sleep , my mind is ravaged by savage violent dreams. Unconcious as I am my body lays still , defenseless , against mind numbing imagery that brings pain when I think about it. I dont know how , sadness got inside me. I dont know when I grew up to face this world. I curl up with my small white dog in my small pink room and as I drift off my mind has been walking dark alleys. I guess that in order to find yourself you have to look everywhere , even the blackest corners in lonliest of grey cities. |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
sorry last line is supposed to be "in THE lonliest of grey cities" |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Wow, nice poem. I really like the last line. Here are my suggestions (basically all I did was get rid of some unnecessary language, alot of the stuff was already implied or wasn't necessary in poetry, although it might have been in prose): Underneath a cloud, *1 The world seemed distorted again, The craziness building like a snowdrift, Our animal coming out to face the world.*2 My mind is ravaged by savage, violent dreams.*3 My body lays still, defenseless, against*4 mind-numbing imagery that brings pain. Sadness got inside me. But how? I grew up to face this world. But when?*5 I curl up with my small white dog In my small pink room and drift,*6 My mind walking dark alleys.*7 I have to look everywhere , *8 Even the blackest corners in the lonliest of grey cities.*9 *1 That you were driving seemed irrelevant *2 I think that I feel this, I feel that can make poetry weak. You are writing the poem, if that is how you feel, then that is how it is. *3 If you were sleeping in the daytime, I might say so, but it is kind of assumed you sleep at night. Also, violent and savage are kind of the same thing, you might used only one. *4 Again, we know you are unconcious if you are asleep. *5 I just changed these out of personal preference because I thought they sounded better. *6 I thought just "drift" sounded more poetic than "drift off" and the meaning is still there, but with additional connotations. *7 I might drop "My mind" from that line. *8 Just shorter, more to the point *9 I really liked this line, and the poem as a whole, if I had not liked it a lot, I would not have spent this much time trying to help. I would enjoy seeing your future revisions. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hey little wings. I thought your poem was lacking in delivery, but not in intent. I get the idea of what you are saying, but some of the language you used, i felt didn't work and was a bit confusing. Let's take it apart We drove underneath a cloud The world seemed distorted again (This is a fine beginning) I feel the craziness building like a snowdrift I feel our animal coming out to face the world (This i found confusing. What animal? Who is our? You and who else?) At night when i sleep, my mind is ravaged by savage violent dreams (too many adjectives here, and ravage and savage sound too much alike. Ravaged is too dramatic for me, it seems more of a playful word, that makes no sense. Also you say at night, when i sleep. Is it important that its only at night that you get these dreams, or is it anytime you sleep?) Unconscious as I am my body lays still defenseless, against mind numbing imagery that brings pain when i think about it. (Okay i don't like these verses, because they sound very weak, and a little bit like the earlier line, prefabricated, with no real stamp of the poet. I.e. instead of unconcious as i am, maybe something like- My body lays still as I'm unconscious, defenseless, while my mind seers with images of hate, rape, death, and syphillis. Nightmares revolving, that i'm too afraid to think about. - In other words, try making it more specific rather than the generic mind numbing imagery, give it a face, give the imagery names, what are you seeing exactly? I don't know, how sadness got me (I cry, almost every night, sometimes when i'm sad, but usually because i don't know how i became sad-How does it feel not knowing?) When did I grow up to face this world? (Again this line is a litte unclear, do you mean when did i lose my innocence? Try answering what this has to do with sadness i.e. When were dreams replaced by nightmares? I curl up with my small white dog in my small pink room and as i drift off my mind has been walking dark alleys. (I see this line as a fear of losing control, of losing innocence with white dog, and pink room. What does your dog and pink room mean to you, how does it make you feel? I.e. I curl up with my white dog and pink room to hide from the dark, but my heart still walks through dark alleys I guess that in order to find yourself you have to look everywhere, even the blackest corners in the loneliest of grey cities. (again, are you happy with this, are you resigned to having to go to these corners or are you reluctant to do it. Are you angry, sad? I.e. I'm afraid to travel any further towards these black corners of my mind, because i don't want to be lost. But I know, if i don't try to populate the greyness of the city in my mind, i'm afraid I won't be found.) That's not really the best sentence but i hope you get the idea to question your motives for writing a little more, and asking how everything makes you feel, instead of being affected from the outside. Make the poem your's, something personal that only you feel, and don't worry about an audience. Just concentrate on writing for yourself. Good luck. Marc quote: |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Thaks so much .I found your replies ssooooo helpful.Just what I needed for a jump-start on my writing.thanks again. |
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