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Critical Analysis #1
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untitled (suggestions?)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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untitled (suggestions?) |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
She sits politely Hand on each knee Eyes on the floor She’s worried Because she keeps Moving her gaze Up the bus Back to the floor Out the window Up the bus There is something Out there A problem A person An object An elusive itch That can’t quite Be scratched She wipes her hands Puts them together Massaging Each one With the other So she can keep up With the speed she’s going On the bus And in her mind Bing! The bell rings She jumps in her seat A bit Not much Just a bit surprised Someone was listening To her thoughts She now opens her purse And pours through it As if through sand Looking for treasure That will assuage some Protect her from the eyes She thinks she feels This time The treasure is a comb She puts through her hair Rapidly Improving her appearance For the firing squad of worry She hopes will take pity on her Good looks The bus brakes Suddenly Passengers reel a little Off balance The comb drops To the floor I reach for it To help But she’s on it First So she doesn’t have to step outside Herself For thank yous She did smile at me A little harumph Taken straight from Etiquette pages That teach the anti-social Social smile Thanking while Dismissing I don’t mind Its hard to make Life easy For some people She agrees with me Now at her stop Quills pull out Warning us of vulnerabilty And someone’s swearing To his friend Right near by And she’s seen it so much She pretends she can’t hear She leaves the bus A tight porcupine And runs towards her conflict Secure inside That the outside Will never reach her < !signature--> quote: [This message has been edited by patchoulipumpkin (edited 02-24-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hey Patch, Hope your havin a good one this fine day! First thing that came to mind, now this is just a suggestion of course, after reading your piece twice "Pensive in Thought" or "Pensive She Be". Hasta luego, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-24-2000).] |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
First I like the stream of consciousness feel to the poem. I would actually title it "elusive itch" It seems that the whole poem is about something we do not know what, nor does she. she also seem restless like she has an itch. Since she has an unidentified itch I would call it.... Will comment further latter |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
I would either call it, "No Entry Allowed" or "The Shell Game". Maybe even "Shell Solitaire" I liked it and have seen it many times over. The second stanza was wonderful! Cap. Everyone that believes in Telekinesis, RAISE MY HAND!  Cap. Carg. |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
You captured this girl too well there can be no other name for it except"The Girl On the Bus" No need to explain her in the title.People like that are all around.Kinda sad.People make there own cages , I think.Fabulous. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Marc, I found this to be very interesting... This poem really gave me the image of a woman, possibly afflicted with a brain disorder, such as paranoid shizophrenia. The "itch" you describe could be the fact that she is not on medication and undiagnosed, therefore unaware of her condition. So, she looks outside of herself for an answer to her torment. The racing thoughts, the delusions...you also describe. Only one little thing bothers me...the teaching of the smile. If that was so, then she would have to have been diagnosed and treated, and then,possibly, would not be displaying such obvious symptoms. Loved the "firing squad of worry" phrase...good title. I enjoyed the poem very much...thanks for such an interesting read. Kristine |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Patch: Kris put words to my thoughts on the girl's psychological description. You did a good job of describing this girl's behavior, btw. This is a good psychological piece. Kris, why do you think the treatment is necessarily complete (or successful) because of the practiced smile? Just curious. Some of the line breaks caused me to stumble a little bit. In the first stanza, for example, breaking up "worried" and "Because" effected more of a pause than seemed natural to me. Was there a specific reason why you broke the line where you did? I would suggest keeping "worried" and "Because" on the same line and breaking after "Because", IMHO. "That can't quite / Be scratched" also read a bit rough to me. If you were trying to slow the reader down by "That can't quite" then you succeeded and I wouldn't change things a bit. If not, then I would suggest "That avoids / being scratched" in their place. Again, JMHO. Thanks for the interesting read, Patch. Jim |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Thanks for your comments everyone, some of your interpretations are very interesting, especially schizophrenia. I won't comment on my intention when i wrote this, because interpreting is the best part. Jim: I've considered your ideas and might just strike because all together, leaving She's worried She keeps... Give it more of an immediacy than lagging a bit like you said with because. For the "scratch" line i was thinking An elusive itch Trying to be scratched In any case, you got me thinking, thanks. The other thing- i was wondering what JMHO, AND IMHO mean. If you could enlighten me i would appreciate it. Cheers. Marc |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marc: JMHO = Just My Humble Opinion IMHO = In My Humble Opinion Not to be confused with LMHO = Laughing My Head Off. Sorry, Patch. It took me some time to figure those out too. Jim |
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KathieO Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 14Canada |
I loved your discription of this woman....again the word "Itch" seems to be a hook....and your need to find out what is causing the tich is quite evident. Very good image of the woman....and your inquisitive mind. |
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