In the sunshine, Chocolate, and Barber's chair

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patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

0 posted 2000-02-22 09:31 AM

I wish I could be a boy
Again
Feeling sunshine
On my skin
And getting uncomfortable
Because it was
Hot
And then
Forgetting
Distracted
By my shadow

Or go to the barber shop
And look into the mirrors
Inside the mirror
Amazed
At how many times
I was in there
And wondered
If I ever stopped

Or getting angry
With my mum
For wiping my cheeks
With a wet
Tissue
To get
The chocolate
Shared with my face

Or….
Or…
Or….
Or…

The memories seem
Bottomless
Revolving
Variations
Whose truth
Is obscured
By reflection

And I realize
Now
In the sunshine
Chocolate
And barber’s chair

I was a good boy
I mean
The role
Suited me
Much better
Than I play the one
I have now

Because it was
One act
One play
No audition required

And the mirror
Wasn’t a prop
For only me
To see me
But was a companion
That unfolded
Infinity

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2000-02-22 11:11 AM

Hi Patch,

I liked this, it really brought back some fond memories. I missed the significance the first time of this stanza:

   "Or go to the barber shop
   And look into the mirrors
   Inside the mirror
   Amazed
   At how many times
   I was in there
   And wondered
   If I ever stopped"

But the second time, I remembered the mirrors on opposing walls and how the reflection seemed to go on infinitely. Very nice indeed.

I thought  the "Or...." repeated 4 times was a little distracting. Think I would prefer just once.

I also thought this was a great stanza:

   "I was a good boy
   I mean
   The role
   Suited me
   Much better
   Than I play the one
   I have now"

But the phrases are not parallel. It reads better, grammatically if changed to:

   I was a good boy
   I mean
   The role
   Suited me
   Much better
   Than the one
   I play now

And the way you brought the infinity reference back at the end was excellent, made a strong ending.

Thanks much for the read today.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

2 posted 2000-02-22 12:18 PM

Thanks for your comments poet. I knew the "I was a good boy" stanza was a little wobbly, thanks for the adjustment. And the repetition of or, you are probably right, it is a bit too much. I appreciate it.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2000-02-22 04:02 PM

Hi Patch,

This is another very nice piece from you. I loved the first stanza; the lines about feeling hot, then so easily distracted by a shadow. I think you've done a great job with capturing the "feeling" of childhood.

I liked the repeated "Or"s.....kids do that all the time....

I do, however, agree with Pete about the role playing stanza. I think it might sound better the way he switched the words around.

I loved the ending...the word choice and placement were excellent!

Good work, Patch,
Kristine

All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

4 posted 2000-02-28 02:53 PM

Very nice. I agree with all that Not A Poet said. In addtion,, I think "wondered" should be "wonder" or "wondering". Very authentic "scenes" the first 2 stanzas.

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