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Brown paper bag
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Brown paper bag |
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Scarlet Lady Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 242Midwest 
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Brown paper bag Brown paper bag Full of surprises What will it give up this day? Scent of my mother still lingering Reminders of home tagging along. Suspense lies inside A gooey treat I am sure! Kept safe inside it's dark abode! Smiles are creating Now anticipating.... Soon to be gazing Upon the world inside my brown paper bag! [This message has been edited by Illusion (edited 02-21-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lynne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, Welcome to CA. Really liked this "illusion"...the brown bag, a place that holds memories and hopes. I liked "scent of my mother still lingering,"...nice phrase, however I feel you could probably use one or two other "juicy" phrases to bolster the piece a bit more. Also, the flow of the poem is good until the 7th line...then one stumbles a little in reading the remainder. This is a good piece, lots of potential; it just needs some tweaking, as most of ours do. Just one person's opinion to take or leave. Keep writing, Kristine there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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Scarlet Lady Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 242Midwest |
Thanks for the input Kristine! After reading your critique I could plainly see what you were talking about, and went and "tweaked" it a bit. I am new at this.....so I only tweaked a tad! I love the input I see people giving here, including yours....it is a great place for people like me who need to learn. I will be open and attentive! Again thanks a bunch for your insight! Illusion |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
I like it. I can very easily relate to the emotions in it. It brings me back to the days of my childhood. I think maybe if you made in the present in stead of the past it might even have a deeper impact. I think you can build more on the feelings of anticipation that way. Just my opinion. Thanks for posting Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws Jim Morrison |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I like the idea here. I really think you are starting to get down to business in the last line about the world being inside your paper bag. However, I am not quite sure if what you are aiming for is the child-like anticipation that you feel (whether child or adult, I admit, I still get excited about food and little surprises) or if you are trying for something deeper(reminders of home, reference to mother, and the last line hint toward a deeper meaning, perhaps that you are starting into life not knowing what it will hold). I think this poem could be a lot stronger if it is expanded upon, for instance anticipating possibilities of what may be inside, et cetera. I would replace "gooey". Although I like the idea of connecting your mother to your lunch, I find a little bit of a problem with your lunch smelling like your mother (unless she is a bologna sandwich which I assume she is not). |
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