Apology to Rebecca - pipTalk Forums

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Wordshaman
Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 110
Illinois, USA

0 posted 2000-02-21 04:41 AM

We talked until early morning again.
Spoke tonight for the first time of love,
Of the future;
Or lack of one.

We spoke of love,
You spoke of loving two people at once.
We broke up again.
And outside it was snowing.

My voice finally betrayed the growing sense of
Anxiety I feel.
I finally let words pour out,
Replacing my poetic purr.

You blamed yourself again.
I blamed God’s cruel sense of humor again,
And I blamed my best friend for being better for you than me,
And outside it was snowing.

And so I’m alone again,
The world completely clear of people.
The snow is burying everything
And I feel suffocated.

Good night, Rebecca.
I know I’m not enough,
And I’m sorry.
Good luck and good night.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-02-21 08:29 AM

WS:

I liked this one.  Its conversational tone complimented what you were trying to do here.  A few comments:

1.  Semi-colon misused in the first stanza after "future" (use a comma or dashes).

2.  "And I feel suffocated" in the second to last stanza didn't have the right sound to me.  It seemed jarring.  Perhaps if you left a little more for the reader to figure out here it would read better.  Give me an image of your being covered and suffocating rather than telling me that you are suffocating.  JMHO.

3.  The title gave me the first impression of "The Apology of Socrates" which was a reasoned defense by the Philosopher prior to his death sentence.  Nobody else will likely be led in the same direction I was by your title but, hey, that's me for you.

Good job on this one.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-21-2000).]

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

2 posted 2000-02-23 10:12 PM

Wordshaman

I have read every poem that you have posted in the last two months.  I have commented on one or two.  When I read your poetry it is often very vivid and original in it similes and metaphors.  Your poems flow and demonstrate clarity of thought.

After I read this poem I have to be honest with you it all sound very forced to me.
THere were some original thoughts that I enjoyed

"And I blamed my best friend for being better for you than me" this is incredibly honest of you.

but for the most part it all seems to have been said.

Oh well that just this random collection of molecules opinions that all.  Thanks for posting.

Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven claws

Jim Morrison

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