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My new poetry
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My new poetry |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
I just started writting. So let me know what you think about them. They are as replies. Just add a reply under them or e-mail me about what you think. You will probably notice all my poetry are around the topic of love.... - Joshua Garrett |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joshua Garrett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
Falling to Hell by: Joshua Garrett We live in a hellish world, Where our love is near to heaven, I would never let my love to another, Yet our love is falling to hell. Our love made it seem, Seem that the hell we live in, Was a heaven in hell, But now, our love it falling to that hell. And again a war breaks our between us, The war waged on, The flames higher, seeming never to fall, And our love was falling to hell. And we, the enemies of war will stop their fighting, If everything is worked out, The enemies of war will make up, And our love will rise even closer to heaven. |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
I Don't Want it All! by: Joshua Garrett I love you baby, I never knew what love really was, Now that I do, I don't fear it, I don't hate it, I still can't handle it all, I am sorry, but… I don't want it all! I want your love, True, I want your trust, True, I just think, Since this is my first love, And I don't want to break you… I don't want it all! Tell me something, If you only give a little, When you lose, You only lose a little, If you give a lot, You may lose a lot, That is why I… I don't want it all! I just want a little, Little of your love, Little of your trust, I don't wanna make you mad, But I don't want to hurt you, I am afraid I will accidentally, I hope you fully understand that… I don't want it all! My ex gave it all to me, When I broke-up with her, It broke her heart, soul, and mind, But I love you I don't want that for you, I still want you to trust me, Not to lie, or cheat, I want some love, so you open up to me, But I am sorry about how I fill… I don't want it all! But one of these days, If you think you can give, Give me all of your trust, All of your love, Then give me all of your heart, And I will risk it too, then… I want it all! |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
Is Love Grand? by: Joshua Garrett When we kiss it forms a perfect heart, When our lips are apart they grown, So tell me, Is love grand? When we are together, our heart connect, When we are apart, our souls urn for each other, So tell me, Is love grand? When our hands connect, they tighten together, When your hand meets my face, I have to leave, So tell me, Is love grand? But when I leave, my lips grown, Them my soul urns, And it is all for you, So tell me the truth, Is love grand? |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
Love Story by: Joshua Garrett Our lives are like a love story, A story for the whole world to read, A lot didn't agree with our love, Few really believed, Believed that it was too love, True love at such a young age. We didn't care what they said, We just went on our way, Expressing our love for another, It wasn't just the touching, Not just the rubbing, It was the true love. This love story is a never-ending story, Our story won't end until our love ends, But our love shall never end, For our love created a story, The story most don't agree with, But we never gave them a care. Our love story has lasted 2 chapters, Soon it will accede 3, It will last past 6, The chapters will continue, For our love will last forever, And create a never-ending love story. The love story will even continue after our deaths, For we will find each other in heave to continue the story, And later be returning to earth to add even more to our story. |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
See You From Hell's Gate by: Joshua Garrett When I die I will return to where I belong, I will return to hell from which I came. I will live forever in hell, in hell, Where I will see your from hell's gate. The fire will burn all the time, The tempature will rise higher and higher, But when I look up at you, I will remember my love, I will see you from hell's gate. When you die you will return, Return to where you belong, you belong, Where you will love forever in heaven, Where I will see you from hell's gate. You will look down and remember our love, When we lock eyes, satin will realize our love, When he does, he will realize I belong with you, Where we will spent eternity together in heaven. |
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Joshua Garrett Junior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 21 |
The Emotion by: Joshua Garrett you were always my boo, I never thought I would love you. When love jumped into our hearts, It hit me like a Hiroshima bomb, And that bomb opened up my heart to you. We never told each other that day, Some time after, I said it as a wind blowing in a field, You didn't hear me say it, so I guess I was dumb, I didn't know you where def in that ear. I always said you could explain love, Though now that I fill it, I realized it almost brings you to heaven, When I got your attention that one day, My heart began to speed up. I didn't know what you were to say, For I was told you felt the same, I realized not to mess it up, Our emotion of love, After I told you how I felt, those 3 words, Your face glowed and said, "I love you too" |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
joshua-- welcome to the forum. i'm not really going to get too deep into your poems here, but that brings up my first comment: maybe try posting them one at a time in the future! yeah, i kinda noticed your stuff is on the topic of love, but thanks for the heads-up, lol. please don't take any of the following comments personally. i'm simply trying to tell you my thoughts and reactions here, how the poems came across to me. please, feel free to disagree; lord knows i don't have anywhere NEAR the last word on anything, lol, let alone poetry, but you posted your work here at the forum, so i figure you might like some feedback. your six poems have some interesting moments, but really i think they would be much more effective if you put more of yourself into your writing. as it is, the pieces here are a little too general (in my opinion), too abstract, too allegorical in places, too remote, to have much of an impact on the reader. now, while the fact that you're in love is, i am sure, incredibly interesting to YOU (and, presumably, to your beloved), your poems really don't describe your emotions in such a way as to make them interesting for the world at large. too often you resort to cliches, without giving the reader reason enough to care about the speaker or the speaker's emotions. love poetry is hard to write without sounding cliched, too general and abstract. but start with putting yourself in the writing. nobody on this side of life knows what either "heaven" or "hell" is like, and alot of folks would argue there ain't no such places anyway. what you're doing is describing Love in the absract by reference to other abstract constructs; my suggestion is to cut out the middle-man, and get right to it, describe it head-on. another thing to watch out for is spelling and typos. using your computer's spellcheck is NOT ENOUGH. quite a few of your lines were hilarious, and i think this was unintentional. ("when our lips are apart they grown"; "them my soul urns"; "we will find each other in heave to continue the story"; "When we lock eyes, satin will realize our love" were the chief howlers, lol.) your word choice, too, could be a little better in places. (for example, "A lot didn't agree with our love"... like the chili you just ate for dinner? or "I realized not to mess it up".) in quite a few places your writing is confusing; for example, when, in the first poem, you say a war breaks out between US, and then that you'll stop THEIR fighting, or, when you write that you belong in hell, and then say you belong in heaven. some of your lines here are quite interesting. i especially liked the interplay of deafness and dumbness (as in being mute) in the lines "You didn't hear me say it, so I guess I was dumb, / I didn't know you where def in that ear" (even with the typo in "deAf"). the idea of only wanting a little love was also interesting; there's a good piece lurking in there somewhere. the sixth piece has alot of potential, in my opinion. i'd really like to see you take any one of these six poems and rewrite it, taking out ALL references to heaven and hell, never-ending stories, yearning souls (or even souls that "urn"), hiroshima bombs, or your or your love's "heart." the last piece i thought was the best, maybe take that one and show us what it was really like to BE joshua garret that windy day in the field. or try a new piece. whatever you do, don't stop writing; in each of these six poems you have something interesting to say, and that's more than half the battle. just watch the cliches, grammar, spelling and typing errors, and try to come up with interesting ways to express your emotions and ideas. the best way to do that? read, read, read. there is alot of good stuff here at the critical anlysis forum and tons more in any good poetry anthology. find a poet or poets whose style you like, and figure out why you like their work. how do they use words to grab the reader's attention, create mood, tension, thought, feeling, emotion, action? how do they create living, vibrant images that stay in your head long after you've finished reading? how do they use sometimes even the simplest words to convey complex thoughts? what do they do to achieve a different "take" on things, how is their poetry different from anything else you've read? what makes reading a good poem more intersting than reading a hallmark card? this is actually alot easier than it sounds, lol; believe me, once you start reading closely, you'll start noticing alot of really cool things that you only vaguely felt before. the next step is to apply what you've learned to your own writing (yeah, that's the hard part, lol, but it can be pretty rewarding). ok, i'll shut up now, lol. sorry to ramble on. good luck with your writing, and i sincerely hope to see more of your work out here soon. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-18-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. I think Jenni's right about posting each poem seperately in the future. It might be asking too much of a reader to focus on six of your poems in one sitting. My advice, though no one ever seems to take it  , is to post one poem, let the other members read it and after a few days, if the responses die down, then post another. Also it is always helpful to others if you take the time to read and comment on their work as well, I mean no one here is getting paid to look at anyone's work and the responsibility of helping one another improve at writing is everyones. With that said I'll give ya my opinion on one of your poems. The same applies for my comments as they do for Jenni's (and pretty much everyone else's), this is only my opinion of your poetry and not of you."Falling to Hell by: Joshua Garrett "We live in a hellish world, Where our love is near to heaven, I would never let my love to another, Yet our love is falling to hell." Pretty vague opening, consider more descriptions such as, what does this hellish world look like? What is this heaven like? How fast or slow is love falling? The meaning is kinda muddled as well, one second your saying our love is near to heaven then you say our love is falling to hell. Also you might not want to keep using the same words to describe the same thing over and over again, ie. "love" 3Xs and "hell" twice. "Our love made it seem, Seem that the hell we live in, Was a heaven in hell, But now, our love it falling to that hell." Which hell? Hell-hell or heaven-hell or earth-hell? I found this stanza very confusing. "it" should probably be "is". "And again a war breaks our between us, The war waged on, The flames higher, seeming never to fall, And our love was falling to hell." Isn't that pretty much what you said earlier? Try chopping out repetition of ideas and add in more to the story line, for example, what were the "wars" about, why were you arguing? How did this make you and her feel? Try to give the reader a better perspective of what was going on, a good way to do this is to expand on the story and its descriptions. "And we, the enemies of war will stop their fighting, If everything is worked out, The enemies of war will make up, And our love will rise even closer to heaven." The second line seems redundant. Now I like the whole idea of the poem, fighting with each other and feeling that you might lose each other only to realize that the fighting has actually made the relationship stronger but for me, I found the wording muddled and repetitious. You used "hell" 6 times yet never described it to the reader. What does your version of hell look like? "heaven" 3 times, yet I don't know what your heaven looks like? "fall/ing" 4 times, yet I can't picture how it was falling? "love", one of the most overused words was incorperated 6 times yet I don't know why you loved this girl? Now including conjuctions that's about two full stanzas of solid repetition in a four stanza poem. Try to let more of yourself come through in the poems, show the reader why this was a unique experience for you and why you felt the way you did. Anyways, keep plugging away, hope to read some more of your work and responses in the future, take care, Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Joshua Just thought I'd stop by and say that I agree with most of what jenni and trevor have said .. but mainly to reiterate what jenni said about not stopping writing. I'll let you into a secret (well no secret really but anyway I'll let you into it ..lol); when I first came to Passions I posted my first poem in CA and jenni tore it to shreds - positively lacerated it she did .. (ohh yes you did J ..!!), but she encouraged me to carry on writing as well, and now i occasionally get some quite nice comments  ... just trying to say that we all mean well here .. we want you to succeed... see you around Philip |
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