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Drowning" (not what you think)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Drowning" (not what you think) |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
This was another Writers Society exercise that birthed two poems at once (yes, at once, not one after another...) and this is the one I liked best. It began as something completely different, but ended up as almost a reaction to the Vietnam memorial in D.C. (just a little background there...) ==================================================== My mouth is full of images My eyes slide from name to name hungrily Each wrapped in its own deafening mystery I touch each vying, pulling one Each blinking in and out in siezuric strobes Fingers grasping at ethereal ghosts Long since devoid of breath. Does anyone remember but me? My forehead is hot against the smooth marble My vision following names to the ground. How many thousands of souls are here Each pressing, coaxing, pleading For that denied immortality of... Of memory. [This message has been edited by Wendy Flora (edited 02-18-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Wendy Flora - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Wendy, This is a well thought out poem. Concise and to the point. You could use some proof-reading, but other than that good job. Especially liked "seizuric strobes". J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
Feel free to make specific suggestions... I'm always looking to make my stuff better!  -wen |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
wendy-- i like this piece, thought it was quite intersting. i thought the lines -- My eyes slide from name to name hungrily Each wrapped in its own deafening mystery I touch each vying, pulling one Each blinking in and out in siezuric strobes -- were really good, as were "My forehead is hot against the smooth marble / My vision following names to the ground." a few lines i didn't like were "Fingers grasping at ethereal ghosts / Long since devoid of breath;" i think it might have been more effective if you had gone with the sensation of running your fingers over the letters cut and etched in the marble instead of "ethereal ghosts" (but that's just me), and i thought "devoid of breath" was a perhaps a little weak. after reading some of your other stuff out here, i know you create something more vivid here (even if ya keep the ghosts, lol). i liked your closing four lines, but am puzzled somewhat by something. how can the names be denied the immortality of memory when they are literally carved in stone for all time? and wouldn't the soldiers still be remembered anyway, by their families and loved ones, even if there were no monument? it always struck me that the most powerful thing about the Wall (although it is far from my favorite monument) was the sense of our loss of all these men, what their lives could have been without the war. in other words, what is lost is not our memory of them (for there they are, to be seen and "remembered", even by total strangers), but everything that those men could have been, to you, me, and countless others. another problem i have here, in the same vein, is that it is impossible to go to the Wall without seeing tokens left by loved ones: photographs, flowers, cards, little homemade objects, some funny, some very, very touching; anyway, being at the Wall, it's hard to believe no-one remembers these men. that said, i think you did a great job here creating a mood, and expressing a desire for the "immortality of memory" (i thought this was a great phrase, btw). i'd love to see this piece's "twin"! thanks for an interesting read. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Wendy, I agree with most of what Jenni has said. It is a thought-provoking subject, and I feel you could have gone a bit more into depth with the emotional side of the piece...your feelings...not that of you imagining the soldiers' feelings. I didn't care for "siezuric strobes" ... perhaps "strobe-like images" or something similar. It is interesting how you tied in "strobe", as that was one of the creations to come out of that era. I, too, loved the line "My forehead is hot against the smooth marble" and the following line. Very nice. I can see a woman standing, leaning in, with both hands and her forehead on the surface of the monument, completely absorbed by the power it possesses. When you can create images like that in a reader's mind, then you know you have succeeded. Nice work, Wendy, Kristine there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hello there,just liked to say your poem reminded me of the time i went to visit a war memorial.i remembered being awed by the countless rows of rows of names carved on the stone walls and wondered what they would have made of themselves if they had survived. My reaction was the same as jenni's.how could those war victims be forgetten when they are carved in stone for all to see?or were you suggesting the idea that NOT all names could be carved since the names of some war victims couldn't be traced---in this case ,no one can remember and mourn for them... do tell me,i will love to know  ciao and take care") |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I don't know if you all are aware of the current project to build the WWII memorial... It's the only war of the 20th century not to have a memorial on the mall in DC... I'm sure you all don't know that I love the WWII era - I'm fascinated with it. I can see now why this poem didn't succeed as I wanted it to - I was trying to write about the WWII memorial that isn't built yet, and thus when it was finished it came out more about the Vietnam memorial... Geez, it's hard to explain... What the he**... I don't know how to explain it so I will just leave it to you all to do with whatever you please. Thank you for all the comments and you can rest assured I will be sitting down to attempt an intense revision session with this one. love, wen |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Highly cool! |
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