»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Delicate balance
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Delicate balance |
|
|
mister61 Junior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 41bergen county, nj |
Seldom seen The two in love Together in time So far from today Often heard Words of desire Trading on tortures So long in reserve Always aware The distance thrives Feeding on feelings Of depths unfulfilled Never enough The time is spent Reaching for rainbows In the wake of a storm |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Harris Fleming - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mister: Welcome to CA. I want to let you know I enjoyed it despite its seeming simplicity and occasional cliche sounding lines. What I appreciated first, however, was not the wording or the subject matter, but, rather, the rhythm. This is a deceptively simple poem. My question: was your choice of rhythm deliberate or did it come naturally to you? "Seldom seen The two in love Together in time So far from today" "Together in time" seems a little cliche'd but "So far from today" doesn't seem cliche'd to me. Together, I can live with the two lines. The wording, however, seems a little bland. It does not evoke strong images and, I think, borders on being overly vague. "Often heard Words of desire Trading on tortures So long in reserve" With "Often heard" I thought you were going to tie everything together with a sensory theme. While I remain impressed with the rhythm you set, I am left wondering: What tortures? What words of desire? Held in reserve for what? "Always aware The distance thrives Feeding on feelings Of depths unfulfilled" This is where my thoughts of a sensory theme ended. I like "the distance thrives". "Thrives" isn't a word often coupled with "distance" and I thought your use of the two words together was imaginative. I think I would have like to see the feelings described in a little more detail. Then "depths unfulfilled" would have more impact, I think. "Never enough The time is spent Reaching for rainbows In the wake of a storm" I like the imagery and the idea but "reaching for rainbows" and "wake of the storm" seem a bit over-used to me. My suggestion would be to go for more precise language. I think the danger of writing a compact piece of poetry is being too vague. Your rhythm was very well controlled throughout and gave much of your poem a certain, pleasing lilt. Combine that with more precise wording and I think you would have a very memoraible poem here. Thanks for the read. Jim |
||
|
carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
mister61 (i'm hoping there aren't 60 others), this was much better than the appalling "music". better in that you avoided rhyme and enormous amounts of "poemising". that aside i felt this was a poem that was written because you wanted to write a poem, but didn't really have anything to write about. it's a string of images that don't really mean anything much. i could maybe forgive that if they were new and interesting images, which, generally, they're not. 1.Seldom seen 2.The two in love 3.Together in time 4.So far from today 5.Often heard 6.Words of desire 7.Trading on tortures 8.So long in reserve 9.Always aware 10.The distance thrives 11.Feeding on feelings 12.Of depths unfulfilled 13.Never enough 14.The time is spent 15.Reaching for rainbows 16.In the wake of a storm 1,2,3 & 4. why are they seldom seen? who are they? all i can see is 2 hermits, in love, at some time in the past or future. 5. seems as if it must relate to "seldom seen" but then it doesn't. 6. i think bit close to "wings of desire" 7.probably my favourite line words of desire that are frequently heard trade on tortures than have been kept in storage. 12. too "poemy" absence makes the heart grow fonder 15& 16. too poemy and cliched. not enough time dreaming in tempests it's something to do with a love/hate relationship i think. I agree with bouder that the rhythm's ok. it sounds OK when you first read it, but when you look at it closely, it's not so good. not good enough to spend the effort i just have trying to figure it out! take trading on tortures and write a new poem. try to avoid antique language, "poemy" language and rhyme. I'm sure you'll do well. thanks, carolyn. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
