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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
The night brushes soft against my cheek Your tongue on my lips - like sea foam Receding after high tide. [This message has been edited by Wendy Flora (edited 02-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Wendy Flora - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Wendy There seems to be a trend towards shorter pieces recently (and longer critiques  )..Well, to quote the good Dr Bean (from the film (not movie btw!) Bean ... have you seen it? .. quite hilarious .. Americans think that they are teasin' the Brits but in fact it's the other way around ..lol) anyway as I was saying .. to quote from Bean .. "now what can I say about this particular [poem]" (in the movie he actually said "painting" which is why I put square brackets round "poem" if you get my drift)"well first of all its [small]" (again, he in fact said "large")"which is just as well because if it was small .. microscopic" at which point the point of the quote kinda breaks down so I'll stop and just say ... that this poem was I presume all about imagery .. not a great deal more there really ..lol .. so it suceeds or falls depending upon whether you have managed to come up with a convincing and original set of words to convey what you wanted to convey. From the first line I gather that you are in a warm and balmy and calm night .. and it was quite a good line even if it did slightly give me the feeling i'd heard it before somewhere.... After that, though i realised that you (the speaker)were (presumably) being kissed, I was not entirely convinced by the simile. Yes a "tongue" of water or foam does sound "right", but somehow I couldn't quite relate to it as the tongue of a lover between the lips of his/her partner and this wasn't helped I don't think by the word "on". I don't really see tongues or foam "on" something somehow .. Strange though, the "atmosphere" was there and with a few changes (and maybe a little elaboration .. lol) this could be quite something ... Oh yes small typo ..... "receding" Bye for now Philip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Actually, I'm torn by this one. The first line and a half has been done before but the rest is interesting. This may not be what you want but I would suggest expanding it a bit and showing how the two images actually do connect. As far as I can tell, this would be pretty tough because saliva immediately comes to mind and that is just not considered to be a particularly romantic image. Well, consider it a challenge.  Brad |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I was hoping to be able to give this one a title that would clear up a lot of its ambiguity - because while that is a key element, too much is just too much. (I wanted to call it something like "The Ending," but I didn't like that.) Something to give a sense of finality to the receding (sorry for the spelling earlier) lover, after the "high tide" of the relationship, a relationship fading after peaking... that kind of thing. Any ideas? -wen |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Wendy, I'm going to have to side with Brad on this one. However I didn't pick up that the poem was analogy for a relationship though I definetly think it works as one but rather I visualized it as just a moment in time, the ending of a kiss between lovers. Loved the last line in a half, thought it fit perfectly. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I liked this when I read it, but I didn't get the analogy. You might expand to make it clearer, or on the other hand, contract. That makes you choose the words you really want, and make them do double duty. Also let's the reader fill in the background as they can. So I tried to make a haiku of your poem, and found I had to cheat a bit. MORNING AFTER Soft night from my cheek Your tongue from my lips Sea foam from high tide Is gone You should do it your own way. I just wanted to point out that tightening a short piece is sometimes an alternative to loosening it. |
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