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consequences (try 1 and try 2)
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consequences (try 1 and try 2) |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209
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ok, this one was posted in open, and not understood, so I am posting here to see if is the audience in open reading too lightly, or my fault as a poet....I appreciate your comments... Consequences She spat the words out of her mouth because she was choking on the bitter taste once they impacted she watched them breed with his unbelief at the voicing and she hid behind an air of indifference and painted a smirk to hide the fear because she knew they were now much too ominous for him to put them back inside ...successfully (try 2) the consequences of her actions She spat the words out of her mouth because she was choking on the bitter taste and as she watched they impacted and started to breed with his unbelief at the voicing and she quickly grasped that they had now grown much too ominous for him to ever get them all back inside successfully... so she hid behind an air of indifference and her pride painted a smirk to hide the fear [This message has been edited by Corazon (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Corazon .... Hi The words "I don't love you any more" spring to mind. I preferred "Try1" because of its more "compact" feel. Also the phrase "once they impacted" I missed in Try 2, because it seemed to so aptly portray the words as bullets or germs spitting towards a target. "she watched them breed with his unbelief at the voicing" The idea of the words as something contagious or poisonous, something out of control and unstoppable is excellently put forward in these lines. The concept of the words being MORE damaging and powerful BECAUSE of their unbelievability (is that a word?? lol) is at first a little hard to grasp but with a little thought I was very much impressed with this idea. "and she hid behind an air of indifference and painted a smirk to hide the fear" ... and only now does the speaker start to realise the consequence of the hasty evacuation of her bitterness ... and this is such a TRUE reaction. Maybe there wasn't anything particularly special about your language here, but it sure has the ring of authenticity .. it made me squirm a bit i can tell you. "because she knew they were now much too ominous" I see what you are trying to say here. I was just a little unsure about the word "ominous". Although it may be technically correct it didn't seem quite the right word somehow. I'll give this more thought. "for him to put them back inside ...successfully " and here I got a wonderful impression of the person on the receiving end of the words trying desperately to collect them all up and stuff them back inside the speaker out of sight out of mind as if they had never been fired at him in the first place ...... was this what you intended? Well done  Philip LATER >>> Well i didn't cheat and go off and read in Open first but I have now .. lol I see I was not quite "right", but as Brad is so fond of pointing out .. "that's ok" and it certainly doesn't make you a "bad" poet.. in fact quite the reverse .. the beauty of this piece is that it can be read quite plausibly and enjoyably whichever way you see it P[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
yes, very much so, I did think the first version said it succinctly, but then when no one on open got it, I started to doubt. I know to me, it says it all...without being too graphic. your critique is very accurate, and I appreciate it, I chose the word ominous, because I was trying to say that they had grown more than just larger, they had grown dangerous also, abusive relationships are complex and usually the truth "hurts" more than anyone cares to talk about...that thought is supposed to follow through, to make you understand the reason for the fear thanks for the critique |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
C ... you are very kind, but i'm not sure it was that accurate .... lol scroll up to my edit ... see ya P [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Corazon, I'm a little unclear as to what a reader is supposed to 'get' here. I like the first version much better but feel the situation is clear -- would maybe have liked some more of the extended metaphor (germs or whatever). I went back and read some of the comments in OP and just think people were more interested in supporting you than in reading the poem as it is. For me, I see this type of situation all the time (I've been there) and the very sharpness of your tone (without ever voicing the exact words that were said) make it for a strong poem. Now, when do I ever say that not giving us the real words actually adds to a poem's strength? Brad |
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