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Love You Are No Lady (Revised From Kess's workshop)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love You Are No Lady (Revised From Kess's workshop) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Love You Are No Lady Your fine façade, the softness of your speech, Your smile, your charm, apparent gentle way Are naught but false impressions. You show each, But sadly, you're no lady, I must say. Attraction which exceeds our understanding, And words in voice so sweet they melt our hearts, We just can't realize you're so demanding, Condemning fools to play our foolish parts. You touch our hearts or hold us to your breast, Our thoughts and warm emotions to expose To misery and mockery at best -- No mortal temptress claims such wiles as those. We love to have you by our side although You are no lady, Love, we surely know. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-11-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, Can't believe that this hasn't been commented on yet. It's an interesting poem with an interesting theme. You've taken some liberties with the meter here, perhaps to make it seem more natural? I'll let others argue whether it works or not but I generally liked the casual style of the piece. It is a bit vague however and would have preferred you showing examples of love not being a lady. I'm not particularly fond of the fools line but you did get away with 'melting hearts' (in other words it didn't stick out for me) and that must mean either I'm just in a really good mood or your style allowed it to fit in quite naturally. How about a sequel? Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Pete, I'm going to have to agree with Brad about showing more examples and about the "fools" line though I didn't enjoy the "melt our hearts" line as much as Brad. The only place I stumbled with the meter was "misery and mockery", but once I realized I wasn't fully pronouncing each word, it cleared itself up  I also thought the ending was fine in meter but it still rang long, my suggestion, and of course this is not to do anything else but maybe inspire thought on those lines if you feel maybe they need changing:"We do love to have a lady although, Love is not a lady to love I know" or maybe: "We do love to have a lady although, You are not a lady to love I know" Just a suggestion....thought I'd throw in those words since it was you who inspired me to think of them. But they sorta change the meaning a bit. Thanks for the enjoyable read, take care, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-13-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Well, I find this almost perfect, a Sidneyian sonnet brought up to date. I only had trouble with the meter on "realize" in the 7th line, however often I read it -- agree that the next, the "fools" line, doesn't work -- and think that "mortal temptress" and "wiles" in the 12th line aren't congruent with the tone of the rest of the poem. I think the ending is strong, and wouldn't change the last two lines at all (pace Trevor.) I think you've almost got it, that's my take. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Brad, Thanks. I was beginning to wonder whether I had developed literary bad breath or something. This one was written for Kess's personification workshop, a topic on which I am severly inadequate. So that was its primary purpose. I'm a little surprised (and pleased) that you let me get by with the "melt our hearts" thing but I would be interested to know why you didn't like the "fools" line. Is it something particular or just general? I confess, I rather liked that line. Again, you are right that this was intended to be a pretty casual piece and I hope the sort of loose meter contributes to that feeling. I do think that with very little effort it could be read as iambic pentameter but would not sound as good. And I do have a sequel in the works but so far it is giving me trouble. There are a couple of lines which just don't work. Trevor, Thanks for your suggestions. Interestingly, I also thought the ending lines felt a little long. I mean, it read right, as you noted, but just seemed somehow different. Until reading your comments, however, I couldn't quite identify what that difference was. I'm still not sure I do but at least now I know it wasn't just me. And I don't think Brad actually liked the "melt our hearts" line, but just accepted it.  As far as more examples, I'm not sure how much I can put into 14 lines. Maybe the sequel will help if I can get it finished.Ted, Good to hear from you again and thanks for commenting. It looks like we are reaching something of a concensus on the "fools" line. On rereading, I have to agree that "wiles" may not be the perfect word as I really didn't build up to it as such. I think I can find a better substitute much easier than creating the proper lead in. But I still think "mortal temptress" is what is needed. Also, your note to Trevor about pace seems to be the key to reading the last lines. Now, finally, you have introduced me to a new term. Please advise as to what is a Sydneyian sonnet. I haven't heard of that one and can't seem to find it anywhere. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
"Sidneyan" isn't a usual reference, and I also spelled it wrong. Sir Philip Sidney wrote the most appreciated sonnet sequence before Shakespeare, "Astrophel and Stella." He introduced the Elizabethan sonnet form we try to recapture. But also he was more easy in his metres, less convoluted in his concepts, less heavy in his vocabulary than, say, William S., and your sonnet reminded me of his. "'Fool,' said my muse to me, 'Look in thy heart and write,'" ends his first sonnet. Probably more than you needed to know, but I've just finished reading (and liking) him. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I'm really impressed with your improvement lately in writing these fourteen line monsters. I find your variation in meter in Line 3 to be very interesting. I know you know the rules and, because we share that certain left-brainedness, I suspect you had a good reason for it. I think the spondee in the last foot of Line 3 adds some sort of dramatic effect for me. It draws my attention, anyway. The other "liberties" Brad mentions, I think, are the feminine endings and I don't have any problem with the way they are used here. Excellent job here Pete. I'm in agreement with Brad that this is an interesting poem with an interesting theme. It is a bit vague but I wouldn't add specifics to this sonnet. I would like to see sequels, however. You have something here and I would like to see you elaborate on it. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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