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your love (moved from the corner pub)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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your love (moved from the corner pub) |
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just_another_fe Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 483MICHIGAN 
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As cold as ice hard as a rock. Blade like a knife stabbed into my heart. blood pouring out Making a mess. maybe when im dead my heart can rest. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Angie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Simply beautiful and exquisite!!!! |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
you can't be serious, trevor?! this doesn't add much to the world's poetry library. "As cold as ice hard as a rock." surely a person who sits down to write a "poem" must be able to think up something more original. why write 2 cliches? what's the point? "Blade like a knife stabbed into my heart." is it a knife or not? or is this some awful metaphor for "love gone wrong"? "blood pouring out Making a mess. maybe when im dead my heart can rest." nice and juvenile. hamlet would love it. thanks, carolyn. |
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gypsyqlt Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147Bradford,Vt USA |
Well, I loved it ! Neat, quick, to the point. good job! Although, the "like a knife" is a little off. Jocelyn |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello justanother, Sorry about my small critique, I did it to everyone here the other day to help illustrate a point I was trying to make on critiquing. If you want to know more about what I did check out Patch's poem entitle "Coffee". Here's my real critique. "As cold as ice hard as a rock." I agree with carolyn that these lines have been used far too many times in writing to give them any merit. Consider expanding on these descriptions to add more originality, ie. "Cold, solid, unforgiving like a preacher's words"...not the best example but I hope it helps explain my suggestion. "Blade like a knife stabbed into my heart." These two lines, in my opinion, don't have a lot of meat to them. "Blade like a knife" isn't very descriptive because we don't know what kind of knife it is and "stabbed into my heart" doesn't give the reader anything more than a very broad picture. Consider elaborating on it a bit....try and give it a little more flair and let your own words and thoughts come through, ie "Bladed, sharp and accurate like a butcher's trade my heart was wrapped and put on sale"...yeah I know that's not a very good example either but I've been up all night so cut me some slack  "blood pouring out Making a mess." Again, I don't think there was enough description in this section. Blood pouring out doesn't really paint a specific picture nor does making a mess. What would blood pouring out look like and what did this mess look like. "maybe when im dead my heart can rest." Not a great ending but I thought it was the best worded part of your poem....still a little cliched though. To be a hundred percent honest, this poem in my opinion needs a complete rewrite to properly convey the feelings/scenario I think you are trying to express. Now I'm guessing that you're just starting out with writing poetry and I think that it is great you want to explore this form of expression. We all start out with poetry very similar to this one, or at least I did (still do sometimes though now I can catch myself usually), I've used the same theme, same kinda vague wording, so with that in mind don't worry about the early goings of learning about poetry and being able to write instant masterpieces. It's a slow process, that for me, is worth the wait and the work. Anyways, thanks for sharing your poem, I hope you'll give me the opportunity to read more of your poetry in the future, keep pluggin away and take care, Trevor |
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