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Critical Analysis #1
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merely_a_jester
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67
Arkansas... that's all you get

0 posted 2000-02-09 12:41 PM


And the moon shimmers
across a sea so azure blue.
My thoughts are all i have
and hence I impart them too you,
my one and only companion.

Stay awhile,
for I've nowhere to be.
We'll converse, mono-e-mono,
just you and me,
for your time is sure to surpass my own.

For, as the water glimmers,
I would not condone,
if you were to abandon me, sadly,
though I fear to be alone,
with my dismal, unconsequential thoughts.

My arms grow weary,
though you have none,
and water logged as you are,
a darker brown you've become,
amidst the briny foam,
I wish I were not thinking,
then I would be cheery,
but I shall never see the sun,
though you'll float far,
flotsam to some,
a whole sea to roam.

I wish not to be drinking,
alas I am sinking.

© Copyright 2000 merely_a_jester - All Rights Reserved
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
1 posted 2000-02-09 04:41 PM


This is really great, keep up the good work!!!!
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2000-02-10 08:15 PM


Jester:

Good to see you back in here.  Sorry it's taken a while for me to get to this but, as you can see, it's been a busy place lately.

I've read this several times and I can't figure out who the main character is talking to.  It driving me nuts.  At first I thought it was a simple love poem.  What possibly could the speaker be talking to that (1) has no arms and (2) turns a darker shade of brown when wet.  My first guess is a beer bottle but I am only about 5% sure of that.  Okay ... keeping in mind that I am not very certain of what's going on, let me proceed.

"And the moon shimmers
across a sea so azure blue."

Normally I don't like seeing a poem beginning with "and, for, but, etc."  But I think you began it this way purposefully.  You wanted us to get the impression that we were jumping into the speaker's train of thought.

"My thoughts are all i have
and hence I impart them too you,
my one and only companion."

This is one of the lines that lead me to believe that alcohol might be involved in this one.

"Stay awhile,
for I've nowhere to be.
We'll converse, mono-e-mono,
just you and me,
for your time is sure to surpass my own."

I'm not sure about the "mono-e-mono".  Mano en mano is Spanish for hand in hand.  Are you trying to say "one to one"?  Is this how it is said in French or something?  

"For, as the water glimmers,
I would not condone,
if you were to abandon me, sadly,
though I fear to be alone,
with my dismal, unconsequential thoughts."

"Unconsequential" I think should be "inconsequential.  Also, I don't think you need the comma after condone.  "Sadly" also appears to be awkwardly placed in your sentence.  Do you mean "sadly" you would not condone or "sadly" you fear to be alone?

"My arms grow weary,
though you have none,
and water logged as you are,
a darker brown you've become,
amidst the briny foam,"

This is where I was thrown off the path and my mind started wandering in circles.  No arms?  What or who are you talking too?  I just had a disturbing thought!  What if the moon is the speaker's butt and the floating brown thing with no arms a ... damn, see what you're doing to me?  lol    I may be watching too much South Park and Mr. Hanky.

"I wish I were not thinking,
then I would be cheery,
but I shall never see the sun,
though you'll float far,
flotsam to some,
a whole sea to roam."

I'm completely lost at this point.

"I wish not to be drinking,
alas I am sinking."

Again, I need help with this one Jester.  Please, let me off the hook! I beg you!  

Later.

Jim



merely_a_jester
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67
Arkansas... that's all you get
3 posted 2000-02-10 08:32 PM


well, i hate to be so happy at ones confusion, but thank you for the smile i have at causing so much unintended confusion  

first, no, there is no alcohol involved in this poem, neither in content or in conception
second, if you really want to know what the speaker in this poem is talking to then check the title... i'd hoped that it was straight forward, but i can be a little confusing at times, just ask anyone that knows me  

i wasn't sure how to spell "mono-e-mono", but i was trying to use the phrase that is often heard when, as on television, when a father wants to talk to his kid (probably because he wrecked the car or caused the destruction of some small third-world country, you can never tell in some of those sitcoms) or when the bad guy and good guy in a movie go one-on-one

the "sadly" i put in there as a random check into how the speaker feels on the subject he is talking about, though it might seem a little odd, it's just how my muddled mind works

the whole poem is supposed to be about someone adrift in the ocean and, overcome by loneliness and maybe a little madness, is talking to a piece of driftwood, probably the piece that is keeping him afloat... the "and" was meant in the way you thought, mostly because i didn't really want to put any back up story in of how he got in his current predicament

but, thanks for your comments and your confusion   they've taken some of the damper out of my day

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
4 posted 2000-02-10 08:43 PM


LOL.  Missed the title.  Man I hate when that happens.     Sometimes I seem to have the gift and others ... well ... I thought you were talking to a turd for a while there, lol.  Maybe you should change the driftwood to a turd.  That would certainly be a fine Jest, Jester.  lol.

I'm glad I lightened the load of your day a bit.  I hope you are not in a crappy mood anymore.  Are you just (1) pooped or (2) did you have a bad day?  Number One or Number Two? lol. Later.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-10-2000).]

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