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spiral in a square (a.k.a. biography)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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spiral in a square (a.k.a. biography) |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
her life was a spiral enscribed in a square: seemingly infinite, and finite in that every tender side touched a vicious curve. mutual pain, and mutual friends. she said to heal her once, and for hurting she'd be stronger. standing at the kitchen sink and waiting thinking an overdose of a diabetic's pills would do more harm than good. with tears like paste and sticky faces kissing blindly black holes of affection, she made her way through him just once and hoped to dive in again. people change, she said, there's such proof and everywhere she looks she sees it except the countenance she wears when she walks away again. then, when the last sighing goodbye has been said she wants more what she never really had to hold to the ideal of him, but never hold his hand. what would people say of the thoughts oozing out of her? what would they say if they knew everything she did was all to see if she could BE? even the ranting, the raving, she shoved him away to make sure he'd come back. not another tear driving away this time not another scar not another sleepless night but wild tense eyes always i saw as though everytime she laughed, it was a thread tying her to everything she could grasp and choking everyone who could threaten the fortress of her demented spiral inside the average square. "What is conversatism except adherence to the old and tired against the new and untried?" Abraham Lincoln roxane |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Roxane More Marion ..? i guess you didn't mean "aka AUTO-biography ..lol I can't pretend to have immediately grasped every nuance of this poem .. I never can with yours ..lol, however I am enthused to try the patent "Trevor cut and paste" technique, so here goes: "her life was a spiral enscribed in a square: seemingly infinite, and finite in that every tender side touched a vicious curve. mutual pain, and mutual friends." A first stanza of contradictions: Spiral versus square Infinite versus finite Pain versus friends Marion (for I shall assume it is she) is a contradiction. Just slightly confused by the imagery (which I liked) of a spiral in a square taken in conjunction with the third line. The spiral IS her life the square is the constraint .. right? But in the third line it is the "side" of the square? which is tender and the "curve", the spiral, which is vicious .. it just seemed like it should've been the other way around. Maybe just me. "she said to heal her once, and for hurting she'd be stronger." This confused me .. still not clear what it means. "standing at the kitchen sink and waiting thinking an overdose of a diabetic's pills would do more harm than good." I guess this is something that actually happened, but I'm not convinced it adds greatly to the poem. Presumably this is a reference to a dalliance with the idea of suicide. "with tears like paste and sticky faces kissing blindly black holes of affection, she made her way through him just once and hoped to dive in again." You introduce the "he", and this stanza was one of my favourite. "Tears like paste" .... Roxane you sure have a way .... brilliant "kissing blindly black holes of affection," I have never had a problem with the odd bit of consonance or alliteration and i like it here. The whole stanza is great for imagery and makes my mind grope at a picture of two disturbed people trying to find something real and meaningful.. Once again the contradictions "black holes of affection" .. you are a master Roxane ... "people change, she said, there's such proof and everywhere she looks she sees it except the countenance she wears when she walks away again. then, when the last sighing goodbye has been said she wants more what she never really had to hold to the ideal of him, but never hold his hand." Light on imagery but heavy on clever meaning ...... These two stanzas are similar in structure in that the first two lines of each "set up" the scene ready for the pithy insightful observations of the final two lines in each case .... I really like this "to hold to the ideal of him, but never hold his hand." Wonderful .. once again she is searching for ideals to protect her from reality. "what would people say of the thoughts oozing out of her? what would they say if they knew everything she did was all to see if she could BE?" These were the two lines I liked least. To be honest I couldn't really see the point of them. "even the ranting, the raving, she shoved him away to make sure he'd come back." And while i can see some point here, the concept of pushing something away or freeing it in order to make it come back is by no means unused or new (Horse Whisperer springs to mind). "not another tear driving away this time not another scar not another sleepless night but wild tense eyes always i saw as though everytime she laughed, it was a thread tying her to everything she could grasp and choking everyone who could threaten the fortress of her demented spiral inside the average square." I don't know whether you meant to run the final two quatrains together, but i liked it like that for some reason. I guess you did because of the way "it was a thread" runs into "tying her". I can only say I think it is a strong ending. The imagery comes back with force as does the incisive comment .. I wasn't absolutely sure why you chose the word "average", but the overall effect of the closing part of the poem is I think excellent. I don't know whether anything I've said is useful Rox but as usual I enjoyed it immensely Thanks Philip PS Tell me do you like this "cut and paste" technique for critique? [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Roxane, I'm not even going to begin to pretend I understand this completely. But, I've put it in my poetry folder anyway.  With time and patience I'll get it. Cap. "Can you Identify yourself sir?" Hawkeye asks. Pointing to himself the man says, "This is me!" How can you argue with that? Cap. Carg. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Phenominal work! Genius! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
must have been pretty bad to get such a reply from trevor, either that, or i am just an instrument in some sort of satire on other people's style of critique? trevor? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Correct with the latter Rox .. don't worry it's just a phase he's goin' through a lot's happened in the two days you were busy .. ..lol The poem was excellent ... Philip PS if you want a fuller explanation check our Patch's "Coffee" if you haven't already |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Marion or Jill or me? Or desiree? or else? e-mail me.No one will get this except roxane.Mail me I lost your address erin |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Ha, you got away with infinite by using 'seemingly' -- you clever poet you. Question: Why is it that when you are not with someone, you say people change as if it were a bad thing but when you're with someone or you want to break up with someone, you say people never change? Okay, just chalk this one up to my interest in the language used in relationships. 'ideal of him' -- hmmm, don't you mean what the character wants him to be, not the 'him' you actually have to deal with. favorite stanza: what would people say of the thoughts oozing out of her? [love this image] what would they say if they knew everything she did was all to see if she could BE? even the ranting, the raving, she shoved him away to make sure he'd come back. --What would people say if they saw their own thoughts reflected back at them? Overall, thought you could have played with the ideas a bit more but I enjoyed some of the images. Instead of the 'square' (unless you want to play on the idea of a 'square' person -- or is that term too old for you) why not use a cube? Haven't seen much of your stuff lately. Is that my fault or yours? Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i haven't been on here because all i've been doing is studying and sleeping. i hate it. but this poem is about me. i only have me, and i think i'm getting a little pretentious by writing about other people. i have a friendship fetish, and a suicide fixation. why? i haven't the experience with friends to actually realistically write a piece about friends. all i know is all i have. it's sad really. and i never really knew that i was so strange, you know? i just don't like my personal life dredged up in front of me. no, this poem is branden and i, in one of our weirder moments. why does it matter? it's all death death death. i don't have anybody's email address anymore except for philip's. he's the only one who emails me on a regular basis. i don't have a heart anymore to write about marian. i wanted so much to be her friend. i don't have a heart to write about desiree, or jill, or you. i don't have a heart. the only thing that even remotely resembles anything to do with former or present friends in this would be the last stanza. as though everytime she laughed, it was a thread tying her to everything she could grasp and choking everyone who could threaten the fortress of her demented spiral inside the average square. see, all laughter is cheap. how cliche and how true. all laughter is just borrowed time and exchanged sadness. forsake the tears of reality for one moment of a fantastic laugh; you will cry that much harder when the fantasy is over. i don't have time for this though. i don't take things personally, and i don't get angry anymore. i just have a serenity inside myself that is similar to death, through no fault of anyone but myself. it is whether or not people can step into that calmness and not combust because of the silence. i can't. so i sleep, and i dream and i avoid everything. maybe one day i will possess a great deal of meaning. but brad, i want to be on here and do a lot of writing. and i will and i really want to reply to a lot of poetry. so i'll try to do that tomorrow. still upset by trevor's comment. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hi roxane. I had to read your poem a couple of times to figure it out, and even then i think i only have a cursory understanding. Let me start my critique on a general level first. I found reading it was almost like wading through molasses, it was very thick and heavy with meaning that alternated forward and backward. In other words, the circle inside a square made me feel extremely claustrophobic, because i wasn't going anywhere, but nowhere. I don't know if this is what you intended, but from your last post it would seem that it was. This isn't negative or positive its just an observation, but the overall feeling was very barren, almost nihilistic, which seemed a bit of a change from some of your earlier stuff which i have read. It scared me because of the contradictions, there is no floor to stand on, its all open. Its a good study of what i see as a hypocrite i.e. "people change she says, there's such proof/and everywhere she looks she sees it/ except the countenance she wears /when she walks away again" and "she wants more what she never really had/to hold to the ideal of him,/but never hold his hand". I think this is a great line. I say a hypocrite, because she demands ideals but isn't prepared to work for it. Hypocrite might be the wrong word, Deluded, might be better, because she only want his ideal, and not him. I think this is a good poem, that the reader really should read a couple of times to get the feeling for it, and the layered meaning. The only thing i didn't like was one line "Kissing blindly black holes of affection", the bl..just seems too heavy here. Otherwise it was well written, and a difficult piece that i applaud your bravery for trying. From your last post on this thread, i get the feeling like you are edging into dangerous territory with a lot of latent anger. As far as your comment on laughter, i agree, but it follows with the other cliche, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I.e. why not laugh now, and cry later. Anyway, hope you're feeling okay, don't hesitate to email me if you wanted to rant and rage. Take care. Marc |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
if there is one thing you have , it is a heart , ashleigh. |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
well i say scratching my head i feel something from this poem that touches me very deeply...seems like i've been there and done that quite recently, in love with images surreal and deluded by my own living on the outer edge always of the spiral direction fluctuating with a breath of wind...loved this work and need to reread often for fuller meaning |
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