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Singing the Long Song
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Singing the Long Song |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Singing the Long Song Been singing the longsong since the day I was born Been singing it all of my life Been dreaming of a woman from evening ‘til morn That woman has become my wife I have walked with the Lord I have ridden the dog Been in league with them both all my life I have followed The Path I’ve done what I was told Maintained my belief in what’s right Both free will and destiny have led me astray Refuting the game gave me Sight Asking the right questions in that one timeless moment Falling from grace in the night Leaving the planet as a daily occurence A magical mystery rite sirreen "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein |
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| © Copyright 2000 Barry Spence - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sirreen, I'm a little surprised no one has commented on this one yet. Actually, I think it is pretty good although it sounds more like the lyrics for a song. Is it? If it were mine, I think I would change the format a little. Singin' the longsong since the day I was born Been singin' it all my life Dreamin' of a woman from evening ‘til morn That woman's become my wife I have walked with the Lord and have ridden the dog Been in league with them both all my life I have followed The Path and done what I was told Maintained my belief in what’s right Free will and destiny have led me astray Refuting the game gave me Sight Asking right questions in that one timeless moment Falling from grace in the night Leaving the planet as a daily occurence A magical mystery rite I have also removed a few words which I thought hampered the flow a little. Of course, this is just my humble opinion and was done pretty quick, so I'm sure it has many flaws. Anyway, thanks for the read. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I also felt this one would fill up with comments quickly, though I had to pass it by yesterday. "Singing the longsong" is a hauntingly evocative phrase right off. I sort of like Pete's format, but not so I'd make an issue of it. I do think the fourth stanza is weaker than the otherexactly three times. (We all like to tinker with everyone else's poems, just a *little* bit, don't we?) |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
CORRECTING TYPO: I think the fourth stanza is weaker than the others, and if you drop it, you'll have each rhyme exactly three times. |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Thank you both, Pete and Ted, for the comments. The changes suggested are veru close to one of the many incarnations this peice has gone through. It could very well be made into a song. Ted, you hit it on the head. The phrase, "singing the long song" is where the whole thing began. I had to find some way to do that one phrase justice within the rest of the piece. I hope I've at least gotten close in this, only then latest incarnation. sirreen "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sireen: Sorry I'm so late to this. I read your reply in "When You Wake Up..." and hope I haven't caused you any offense by my reply to "Ancillary Beliefs". I think this poem (Singing the Long Song) demonstrates your poetic proficiency, however. So don't sell yourself short. Deal?  "Been singing the longsong since the day I was born Been singing it all of my life" This is a nice opening. It is very lyrical and rollicking. I pay close attention to rhythm and sound when I read a poem and this stanza caught my attention ... so I read on. "Been dreaming of a woman from evening ‘til morn That woman has become my wife" There seems to be an extra syllable in the third line of this stanza that breaks the flow of your rhythm a little bit. Maybe rewording to something like "That woman is now my wife" would help. What do you think? "I have walked with the Lord I have ridden the dog Been in league with them both all my life" I love this stanza. "I've walked with the Lord" is somewhat cliched by itself but coupled with the following two stanzas I see no reason for any changes to be made. The wording of the second and third lines of these stanzas is great. "I have followed The Path I’ve done what I was told Maintained my belief in what’s right" Good transition sentence leading to ... "Both free will and destiny have led me astray Refuting the game gave me Sight" Could it be we're kindred souls? "Refuting the game gave me Sight" is an inspired line. Very nicely done here. "Asking the right questions in that one timeless moment Falling from grace in the night" Or the wrong questions depending on who you ask, right? Just curious (Brad's voyeurism rubbing off I guess): Did the changes in your way of thinking brought about by "Asking the right questions" make life difficult for your for a spell? "Leaving the planet as a daily occurence A magical mystery rite" Does this stanza take us back to the stanza about the "woman of your dreams" or is its application more broad? I was a little confused as to the specific meaning of this line. I suspect that "leaving the planet as a daily occurance" is similar in meaning to "walking on air" or "on Cloud 9" etc. I haven't strayed too far off the mark on this, have I? Very good work here. I liked this much. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
My this was beautiful! |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Jim, Thank you very much for your thoughtful critique of my work. I do greatly appreciate it. The reference in the last stanza is a vague one. When the Grateful Dead were still together there was a certain hardcore contingent of fans, you might have heard of them, they were known as Deadheads. At the shows, there was sometimes a phenomenon reported to take place, in which, through the medium of music and dance, the members of the audience and the band would link up together into a sort of group-mind. It was reported to be a very spiritually fulfilling experience for those lucky enough to be present at such a show. This phenomenon was called, "leaving the planet," which is itself a reference to events that took place way back before the hippie days even, things involving Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters. But that's another story. Anyway, it is a very vague reference, I'll admit. Again, thank you for your critique. sirreen |
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