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Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331


0 posted 2000-02-03 04:15 PM


14,000 Things to be Happy About (#39)

I am reposting this from a last-year forum because, by changing the format from an unindented column, I can justify the title "Open Weave," and also, I think, present a much more effective poem.  Let me know if it works for you.

cast a spell
        weave it well
             of sun and flower
     and summer's power
bind it fine
        with briar and vine
             and creeper's length
     and autumn's strenth
wrap it slow
        with frost and snow
             and gently tie it
     with winter's quiet
and then spread wide
        on every side
             from mist and dew
     spring's garb anew



© Copyright 2000 Ted Reynolds - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-02-03 08:21 PM


Hey Ted:

Only 6,961 left to go of your share of the 14,000.  This has an excellent musical quality to it.  You seem to do this very well and very naturally.  Must be nice to have an ear for meter.    I've illustrated the stressed and unstressed syllables below so I can show you a few things I observed.

CAST a SPELL
WEAVE it WELL
of SUN and FLOW-er
[and] SUM-mer's POW-er
BIND it FINE
with BRIAR and VINE
and CREEP-er's LENGTH
and AU-tumn's STRENGH
WRAP it SLOW
with FROST and SNOW
and GENT-ly TIE it
[with] WINT-er's QUI-et
[and] THEN spread WIDE
on EV-ery SIDE
from MIST and DEW
spring's GARB a-NEW

This is a minor point but you'll notice I bracked "and" in two places and "with" in one.  These were words (actually these were beats) that gave me ta little trouble. I thought the two unstressed beats in a row caused a sort of speed bump in you meter.  Kinda like when you lift your foot up to put it on a step and there isn't one there.

I think you could lose the "and[s]" without causing any problems with the beat and the "with" looks to me as though it could stay (as I re-read this I tend to rush over "with" and it blends with the previous unstressed syllable.

Just some suggestions.  Good work here.  Look forward to the next one.



 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
2 posted 2000-02-03 11:10 PM


I agree with jim it has a very lyrical quality, almost sonnet like when i red it ou loud. Also, after redaing it once as you posted and then as jim suggested with the ands and withs missing. I had to agree with Jim.  Imagine i missed that speed bump.

see ya

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

3 posted 2000-02-04 12:13 PM


Ted,
I truly liked this, and though I also agree with Jim, I thought you wove some very nice words here. BTW, I am only happy about three of them...really starting to hate winter.

Nice images, Ted,
Kristine

 "If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,...
I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson

Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331

4 posted 2000-02-06 03:48 PM


No, no, no, Jim.  For the first time I can recall since I was a kid, I'm going to try to justify one of my poems.  At least I may convince you that this kind of poem cannot be properly appreciated by the kind of analysis you give here.

On metrics:  The strict ta-da ta-ta-da beat of a poem is the skeletal structure, the musical scale, the primary palate of the poet.  If you're writing a military march, you might stop there.  But the life, the soul, of a poem is in the subtle variations.  These are your emphases --

              CAST a SPELL
              WEAVE it WELL
              of SUN and FLOW-er
              [and] SUM-mer's POW-er

You suggest leaving out the bracketed [and].  On the contrary, I think the [and] is important just there, to *prevent* the reader from falling into a metronomic jog.  (The cycle of the seasons has a basic repeating skeleton, true, but it's fleshed out with breezes and burgeoning and thawing which give each year that difference which makes it unique.)

Did you notice that the first two lines of each quatrain are all monosyllabic, and that the bisyllabic lines in the second half of the quatrain are there to create a lilt, a swing, to move on into the next season, where you're halted for an instant.  That's what I was *trying* to do, anyway.  There's supposed to be a "tightening" in winter, followed by a "loosening" in spring, and I tried to do that (along with the sound of words, which you didn't question) with the variations in beat.

If you insist on strapping the poem into your metric, by the end of it you'll insist on (as you do, you actually do) --

              [and] THEN spread WIDE
              on EV-ery SIDE
              from MIST and DEW
              spring's GARB a-NEW

ignoring the importance of emphasizing "spread," and even worse, "Spring".

While I'd want you to follow the words themselves, leave your d---d metric, and read --

               and then SPREAD WIDE
               on EV-ery SIDE
               from MIST and DEW
               SPRING'S GARB a-NEW
  
(and if I thought I could convince you to lower-case the word SIDE, I would.)

You're as fine a critic of poetry as I've come across, but sometimes you seem to use metric as a rule, instead of a tool.  If you reread my poem, giving each word its natural emphasis, and not insisting on a previous grid pattern . . . and *still* hit a speed bump -- well, I may just have to rewrite.

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
5 posted 2000-02-06 04:15 PM


Ted .. I read the poem before all the critique which was just as well.  Apart from just being a "nice" poem with a nice feel to it I had no problem at all with the meter and in fact I liked the "ands" they seemed to make it flow on with a kinda of rolling inevitability.

The one place only I had a stumble were the lines already mentioned:

and gently tie it
     with winter's quiet

this was because on a first reading I read "tie it" at the same pace as the rest of the poem as two syllables.  On the second reading I speeded it up so that the two words merged "tieit" and then the "with" on the next line worked ok.

don't rewrite it too much please

Philip


jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
6 posted 2000-02-06 04:21 PM


Ted:

LOL.  LOL, again.    

"You're as fine a critic of poetry as I've come across, ..."

Thanks for the (albeit undeserved)praise.

"... but sometimes you seem to use metric as a rule, instead of a tool."

I think that might be the best description of my way of thinking I've come across.  Thank you.  You are right ... I do give the metric "rules" a high place in poetry.  What I don't often come across is someone who is capable of using the rules of metrics as tools (the rules, more often than not, use the poet).  I am pleasantly surprised here.  

I still trip a little bit over the portions of the poem I mentioned.  And I don't think removing the words I mentioned gives your poem an overly metronomic cadence because the words you use are interesting.  Interesting words like yours capture the attention nomatter how metronomic the meter.  I think dull words get lost in "good" meter but, like I said, "dull" does not describe your word choice.

Never-the-less, I like your explanations and hope that this will not be the last time you stand up for your writing.  It's not vain or petty to offer a reasoned defense for one's work.  I appreciated reading yours (very well thought out, btw).  

Later Ted.  Thanks for the lively apologetic.  

Jim


jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
7 posted 2000-02-07 01:06 PM


ted--

i enjoyed this piece alot.  i really didn't have any problem with the meter, and i liked what you call the 'bisyllabic' lines in the second half of each quatrain, sort of like dwelling in each season for a bit.  nice touch.  

i wonder, though, after reading your explanation, whether you might enhance the 'loosening' of spring if you went with a longer word, bi- or even tri-syllabic, in your opening line there.  "spread", of course, means what it means, but, for all that, it's still a one syllable word, and "spread wide", ironically, has a quick, short, one-two sound.  i don't have any ideas, really, on how you could do this without re-doing that whole season, and it's your poem after all, lol, but i just thought you may want to give it a shot.  if you really want to 'loosen' the feel of spring (which is an excellent idea), longer and 'looser' sounding words might make the piece a little more effective.  

anyway, like i said, i really liked this one.  nice work.

jenni

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
8 posted 2000-02-07 03:26 PM


Hi Ted,

Sorry to be so late in getting to this one. I have no reasonable excuse.  

That said, I have to side with you, for exactly the reasons you stated. To me, anyway, short lines like this can be trivial and can easily become sing-songy, even with the interesting choice of words you have used here. I think "breaking the rhythm" in selected places helps prevent that. In fact, the way you have broken it here is steady and consistent enough to almost become a meter unto itself.

In short, I wouldn't change a thing. Thanks.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



captaincargo
Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.
9 posted 2000-02-07 03:41 PM


Loved it. The "content" is what i liked, it's a truly, for lack of a better word, cute poem. Just plain very enjoyable.

   Cap.

 Cap. Carg.

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