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My Torment
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Torment |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
Like the breath of midnight descending on grace. Sheathing her in a velvet robe of uncertainty. Passion against virtue in a war of discontent. Soul surrendering or morally pledged. Like the whispers of oceans seducing dreams, Embracing with waves of desired treasure. Longing unites with affection's splendor. Emotion or completion. Like the wings of time creating faith, Freely this union I have chosen. Duties rule with a pleasant heart. Existence, half or whole. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Shelley Monastra - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
I am very opened to "ripping it apart." I know there is so much more it could deliver. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
And you think I'm going to turn down that request? Well, let's see what we've got here: Like the breath of midnight descending on grace. --don't think this is really a clear image but I do like the 'feel' of it. Sheathing her in a velvet robe of uncertainty. -- the breath of midnight sheaths her -- okay I'll buy it but 'velvet' is too close to the darkness you've already alluded to with midnight. Passion against virtue in a war of discontent. -- too general and too polarized. There's far more to do with the moment your describing than ascribe it to this polarity. Soul surrendering or morally pledged. --same deal here and I would drop 'soul', you've already created an ethereal, dark atmosphere. Like the whispers of oceans seducing dreams, --I'm pretty sure I know what you're doing here and I think you've let the connotation and the sounds of the words take over your theme at this point. The feeling is set away from direct sight; you can see it just out of the corner and then it's gone. Why not take the reader straight on and tell us what those 'dreams' are? Embracing with waves of desired treasure. --I would think about dropping this whole line. Longing unites with affection's splendor. Emotion or completion. --Why do you use an 'or' here. Completion generally would refer to the completion of the act which usually means emotion. Expand on this idea more. It's interesting but too vague for my taste. Like the wings of time creating faith, --rewrite this one. 'wings of time' is overdone. Freely this union I have chosen. Duties rule with a pleasant heart. Existence, half or whole. --I like this first line, don't like the second, and the third can be expanded into something very interesting. As I've said above, you've created a stong 'feel' with your words but what's missing is a certain unique quality that can transcend the generic 'love or don't' scene you've created here. My guess is what's missing is yourself -- put yourself into the poem and give us the real situation. Otherwise, the poem's feel stays in the corner of your eye, never consummated, never really giving the reader a chance to feel. Remember, I don't know you and really can't know what you're talking about in less, well, you show me. Still, I enjoyed reading it. Now, was that really that bad?  the ogre, Brad |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
THANK YOU Brad! And no it wasn't that bad. I was expecting much worse actually. Now that I look at it again, your right I'm not in it. I didn't get my point across because its not a "love or don't" situation I was trying to express. REWRITE! THANK YOU AGAIN!!! ~Shell |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Shelley, I see you met that "man",  Mr. Slice and Dice.In all honesty, he's pretty good at what he does, and I would at least consider his advice. I loved the rich words you chose, and thoroughly enjoyed the read. Kristine "If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
I hope I didn't sound sarcastic.... I wasn't meaning to. I'm putting his advise to good use. Thanks for your comments Kristine! Brad: The big thank you's came from my heart I rather enjoyed having you break down some walls (I'm always trying to hide myself) |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
shelley: i like this poem, though i like the first stanza considerably more than the other two... perhaps it's all the personification in those first four lines that draw me so much... *heh* but whatever it is i think you do it very well... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
Did I help it or kill it? Like the breath of midnight descending on grace, Sheathing me in a robe of uncertainty. Adulteress thoughts raging against honor in marriage. Should I surrender or stay morally pledged. Like the whispers of oceans seducing dreams, Embracing me with arms that hold. Longing to find what contentment has lost. Just emotions or will I be complete. Like the patience of time creating faith, Freely this union I have chosen. Obligations maintained with a loving heart. My existence, half or whole. |
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