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Mirror
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Mirror |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
I came up with this bit of confusion when i got seriously bored. Tell me what you think it means or give thoughts about it. Mirror Mirror on the Wall Picture of my face From what I saw I began to fall A conspired and ugly case Man in the mirror One I had never seen Brain pulsates in fear From now nothing pure nor clean Broken images on the floor Man looks in my face Futily I reach for the door My neck surrounded in lace A tweek of the wrist, man full of lust A scream of horror I now return to dust Written by: Hoppy "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think this works very well in places but the rhythm and the theme just don't seem to match (for me). Mirror on the Wall Picture of my face From what I saw I began to fall --I really liked the picture this creates. A conspired and ugly case Man in the mirror One I had never seen Brain pulsates in fear From now nothing pure nor clean Broken images on the floor Man looks in my face Futily I reach for the door --you've got some strong foreboding stuff going on here but with the rest My neck surrounded in lace A tweek of the wrist, man full of lust A scream of horror I now return to dust It's like you've changed your mind about the whole poem and decided to add something else. That's fine buy why not go to the first part and give us a little foreshadowing so the end doesn't seem so jarring? I think this has the potential to be very strong. Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, I disagree with Brad about the change in story for the last half. Personally I didn't see a change in story only a time-line (though I might just be misinterpreting the poem). The man looks in the mirror (or takes a good look at "who he is" or what he has become), hates what he sees, then kills himself. Well at least that's what I thought it was about. "Mirror on the Wall Picture of my face From what I saw I began to fall A conspired and ugly case" I too liked the image and flow from this part. "Man in the mirror One I had never seen Brain pulsates in fear From now nothing pure nor clean" To be honest I can't really say if I like the sporadic meter change....read this a few times and each time I think differently about it...sorry can't be more helpful on this part. "Broken images on the floor Man looks in my face Futily I reach for the door My neck surrounded in lace" Kinda liked this part though I'm having difficulty with "Man looks in my face"...not sure if it fits nor what it really means. "A tweek of the wrist, man full of lust A scream of horror I now return to dust." I think ya did a bit of a Stephen King ending on this one. You wrapped it up to quickly in my opinion and loosely tied it all together. "tweek of the wrist" I interpreted as him finishing off the hanging by opening the door? Is it? The "man full of lust" seemed awkward, "A scream of horror" seemed to easy and plain and "I now return to dust." also seemed to plain for a last line and rang too much like a biblical passage and you might want to consider eliminating "now". I thought you started this poem very strongly then it kinda seemed like you ran out of steam and forced it a bit near the end. Interesting poem though. Can't say I hate it and I can't say I like it....but hey that's just my opinion. Also, on another note, I've noticed that you haven't really been responding to other people's work nor have you been getting a lot of response from people. Perhaps consider taking a few minutes and reading and commenting on other people's work as well as responding to the comments made towards yours. This usually gives people a more receptive attitude towards your work. Don't worry if you don't know all the little technical aspects of poetry, just give an honest opinion when critiquing. Well that's my sales pitch.....BTW, I was just checking out to see where else you have been posting here and I ran across this poem and your explanation of it.....I won't give away what the poem is about but I gotta say that it shoots most of my critique to pieces (but I'll leave my original critique up so you can laugh at it). Very creative poem and an excellent idea, however you might want to expand on it just a tad....don't make it obvious by any means but still give the reader just a couple more subtle hints, perhaps use more "setting" to create the mood of the event, I'd offer more suggstions but I don't want to give away the story to anyone. But without hints there's no sense sharing it if no one fully understands what it is about... and if you were to let the reader "in" to the story a bit more (without having to explain it each time) then I think they'd truly appreciate the originality of the poem. Anyways, that's my little blurb on this whole shama-lama. After discovering what it was about I gotta say, well done hoppy, wish I'd thought of that idea first, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello again Hoppy: "Mirror on the Wall Picture of my face From what I saw I began to fall A conspired and ugly case" The rhythm of the first four lines lent to their strength. "A conspired and ugly case" compelled me to read on and find out what she saw. "Man in the mirror One I had never seen" Your strong hold on rhythm and meter seemed to slip here. I think this is because you forced the rhyme a little bit. Sure "seen" rhymes with "clean" but "One I had never seen" reads awkwardly to me. Perhaps you would be willing to settle with a near-rhyme and some minor poetic license with grammar: "Man in the mirror Never seen before Brain pulsates in fear From now nothing clean or pure" What do you think? "Brain pulsates in fear From now nothing pure nor clean" I already gave you my suggestion on the pure & clean line. "Brain pulsates in fear" is an unfamiliar sensation for me. My pulse quickens when I am suddenly afraid and my blood seems to chill in my veins. My thoughts flounder and my heart feels as though it descends into my gut but I've never felt my "Brain pulsate". "Broken images on the floor Man looks in my face" Perhaps man looks "at my face" or "in my eyes". "In your face" makes it sound like there is a hole in the persons head.  "Futily I reach for the door My neck surrounded in lace A tweek of the wrist, man full of lust A scream of horror I now return to dust" This sounds like a murder/rape crime has just occurred. Perhaps you meant for the ending to be abrupt for effect but I think, in this case, it was too abrupt. If the death was by strangulation (hinted by "neck surrounded by lace") then death would not have occurred instantly. I may be misinterpreting you poem at this point, however. Consider "encircled by lace" rather than "surrounded". To me "encircled" implies less of an idea of there being any space between the neck and the lace than "surrounded". Thanks for the read. I look forward to the explanation of this poem. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
thanks for the input, i'll go back and reword this poem and see what i can come up with. the middle i did find a little hard to read after it being pointed out, though the ending i like, i meant for it to be abrupt and leave the reader hanging. But i will go back and fix the rhyme scheme and mid line structures. "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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