Need critiques, feedback, a poem

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bbynams
Junior Member
Posts 49

0 posted 2019-02-26 04:10 PM

Drissy only eats bacon if you cook it for her
and even then you have to chop it up into little pieces
Greasy little pieces staring in my window

I see you out there screwing the black one, you little minx
Probably couldn't catch a squirrel if your life depended on it
Prancing daintily to your paper plate after escaping from your master

A pitiful beast really, given what I know
and not at all suited for the cold.
What a shame. Something, anything would be better
than what you chose for yourself. I believe for you
that one day a turkey leg will fall from the sky
to pelt the giant on the head and leave you to knaw on his shivering body.
The hunter searching for
the secret garden of flowers, out of your reach
where you deserve to be, one and all of what you must be laughing about
with your small, sleek smile which isn't worth brushing.

A new form will grasp you, and in it freedom
evidently, for your sense of humor to erupt.
Profoundly placeless, and the greatest waste
of your newly striped path to the space vacated
that knows where you really belong, and who brings you home.

Just eat it, it's good for you.

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

1 posted 2019-02-28 09:18 AM

bbynams,
Not bad for a first post. I think your line breaks could use a little work to make it flow better. I got lost at the giant and the turkey leg, but I think I picked up the trail again by the end. You used a lot of entertaining phrases.

~L

bbynams
Junior Member
Posts 49

2 posted 2019-02-28 10:23 AM

It's just a personal reflection. There's a lot of homeless cats in my area. One year I had one who would really rip into everything like it actually lived outdoors (because it did) and somehow had to kill it first. I suppose I was actually proud of that.

bbynams
Junior Member
Posts 49

3 posted 2019-02-28 12:11 PM

The Visitor

Drissy only eats bacon if you cook it for her
and even then you have to chop it up into little pieces
Greasy little pieces staring in my window

I see you out there screwing the black one, you little minx
Probably couldn't catch a squirrel if your life depended on it
Prancing daintily to your paper plate after escaping from your master

A pitiful beast really, given what I know, and not at all suited for the cold.
What a shame. Something, anything, would be better than what you chose for yourself
I believe for you that one day, a turkey leg will fall from the sky
to pelt the giant on the head and leave you to knaw on his shivering body.
The hunter, searching for the secret garden of flowers
out of your reach, where you deserve to be
one and all of what you must be laughing about
with your small, sleek smile which isn't worth brushing.

A new form will grasp you, and in it freedom, evidently, for your sense of humor to erupt.
Profoundly placeless, and the greatest waste of your newly striped path to the space vacated
that knows where you really belong, and who brings you home.

Just eat it, it's good for you.

bbynams
Junior Member
Posts 49

4 posted 2019-03-10 10:57 AM

My favorite comment was: "sounds like the Wizard of Oz"

[This message has been edited by bbynams (03-10-2019 12:37 PM).]

bbynams
Junior Member
Posts 49

5 posted 2019-03-30 08:29 PM

I never did figure out who the owner was. I looked on a bunch of sites, cat posters, etc. Of course, the cat has since disappeared entirely. Turkey leg cat is living next door. There's three others along with the possum, but I'm guessing they won't be talking. They don't trust me at all. Not very poetic.

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