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Open Poetry #50
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Heartbroken (significant rewrite)
| Open Poetry #50 |
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Heartbroken (significant rewrite) |
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kevinjtaylor Member Posts 61 British Columbia, Canada |
When I hear a poem I pass it by. See paintings, I avert my eyes. Dancing makes me turn and walk the other way. When I hear music I've got no place to go, No place to hide, no quiet place to lie. When I hear music I just close my eyes and cry. It might as well be yesterday. Today was just the same. There isn't any joy without your voice, your touch, your face. Every morning lies and says that I'm alive again, that I'm not dying. It might as well be yesterday. It might as well be yesterday. It might as well be yesterday. Today was just the same. . |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
From you comment of this being a 'significant rewrite', I gathered you are looking for comments, so . . . Don't know, and didn't search back to see, if I commented on your original, and that really doesn't matter because I don't want to compare the two pieces, but just comment on this one. I really, really like this piece, with (from my point of view) just a couple of small edits. Not that there is anything wrong with the way it is - but if it was me . . . "Every morning lies and says that I'm alive again, that I'm not dying." I think - '... alive again, that I haven't died' And I think . . . do away with one of the three lines of "It might as well be yesterday" because three lines is just repetition,while two lines are emphasis. And move the line "Today was just the same" below the "It might as well be yesterday" to further empathize the power of the words - rather than just repeat a previous line. While it works as a one liner at the beginning of the 3rd stanza, you want the impact of "...Today was just the same" to close out your work. "It might as well be yesterday It might as well be yesterday Today was just the same" Hope all this makes sense to you (any questions, email me) and remember, I enjoyed the piece as is, and am just adding my idiosyncrasies to it. Well done, j. |
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kevinjtaylor Member Posts 61 British Columbia, Canada |
jwesley, thank you for the considered thoughts. I'll try them out, back and forth, for a few days along with some other ideas as they occur or present themselves. Appreciate the time you took. |
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