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JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975
South Louisiana

0 posted 2018-05-24 10:28 PM


a gloomy smile attacked my heart
this morning
I sighed
wondering why it took so long
to come around

I'd been much too happy
trying to make things . . .
. . . not right
could never make things right
but
trying my best to
give of myself
whatever was needed
to make the sadness I've caused
understandable

I wonder if it will ever make any difference
will any of it matter
because of
long ago decisions
made on the spur of the moment
overriding my conscience
my heart
hammering inside my throat

I wonder if any of it will help
. . . anything . . .
my thoughts are as black
as the River Styx
today
wondering why my optimism
has been swallowed up in despair

I wish I still drank hard liquor
I do believe I could do a fifth of sour mash justice
today
sour mash
the lubricant of fools
. . . still . . .
sometimes . . . nothing else will do the trick

days like now
I wonder if maybe there are some
who shouldn't
have lived so long
no
not suicidal here
just one of those days . . .


  February 21, 2018 / Jerry Pat Bolton



~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

© Copyright 2018 Jerry Pat Bolton - All Rights Reserved
Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
1 posted 2018-05-25 06:20 PM


Jerry,
Cut yourself some slack. We all hurt the ones we love. It is the nature of our beast. You are far from the worst to walk the planet. On a scale of 1-10 you may not even be a 5. You were young and dumb and scared. Besides you don't know that it would have been all unicorns and rainbows if you would have stayed. I think any sadness that you have caused has moved on, and so should you. ~L

JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975
South Louisiana
2 posted 2018-05-25 08:01 PM


Maybe I should move along, Lori, but like so many of my poems, it is part of my life. I suppose if I can't, or won't move on, at least I can quit posting them here. Sorry you take umbrage at them. But appreciate your honest comments.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
3 posted 2018-05-26 05:57 AM


Umbrage? I don't think that is the case. I think I hate to see you hurting, especially when the pain is self inflicted and seems overly harsh. When I am down on myself you are quick to point out the errors of my thinking as any good friend would. I will not deny you this forum to express your emotions, by all means be my guest. But as your friend I reserve the right to tell you when I think you are being too hard on yourself. You can only kick yourself in the butt so many times. I say this from experience...because I still hold on to stuff too. I know it doesn't change the past or improve the future and makes my present miserable...but I still hang on to the guilt. It is a work in progress. ~L
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
4 posted 2018-05-29 10:01 AM


uh-hmmm.

knowing who I am and what I am, what I’ve done or haven’t done, in the many years
of my life – the many memories and perceptions, right or wrong, painful or not for me and / or others – I don’t carry “guilt”, per se, but, “regret”, absolutely. Especially

for those I’ve hurt.  And when the memories come to me, many as déjà vu events,
I find I can still be brought to tears.

that changes nothing in the scheme of things, except we, as older folk now,
see it better as the past, rather than the present and probably think more about
the actions, physically, mentally and especially, verbally, we have taken, and
presently, consider taking. We’re more cognizant of those around us, their feelings,
their lives.  

Although we can’t “fix” our past, we can certainly smooth a lot of it out by making
sure, with what breath we have left, we try to alleviate such transgressions in the
future.  

Or, that’s the way I look at it.

j.

JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975
South Louisiana
5 posted 2018-05-29 10:14 AM


. . . and I say you lookk at it in a very positive and superfine way, Jimmy. Hah! They say don't dwell on the past, and I quite understand that, but when you get a certain age the past is front and center in your thought process. Thanks buddy, appreciiate your thoughts

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

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