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scribble
Junior Member
since 2008-03-17
Posts 11


0 posted 2016-03-25 02:02 PM


I live in a cozy house
and in my house
I know where to find
anything I need

In my cozy house
(your hand rests on my hip as you turn in your sleep)
there are warm blankets on the shelf
sweaters
in the back of my closet
(behind boxes of photographs, greeting cards)
to keep me warm

And yet
as I approach that unfamiliar rooftop
(I see a shape oddly comforting, endearing)
I am drawn to the view
(eyes too brown, too tall, too strange)
and in that moment
I seem to have forgotten my address

I grip the edge with shaking hands
and I hear
whistling
past my ears as I fall
I feel
(hands)
wind in my hair

But then I look down at my white knuckles
the blood just beginning to seep from between my fingers
and suddenly I remember where I live

I quickly close the door
of my cozy house
(family portraits line the walls, memories
whispered into every familiar corner)

and I grab a blanket from the shelf

I grip my sweater in those shaking hands
and try
desperately
to will the warmth back to my ears
still whistling
my hair
still disheveled
from my foolish impulse

Comments welcome!

Help:
1) I struggled with a title for this one
2) I'm wondering if the full meaning of my conceit is clear

Thanks!

[This message has been edited by scribble (03-26-2016 12:06 PM).]

© Copyright 2016 m.s.mccarthy - All Rights Reserved
jjote
Senior Member
since 2002-12-25
Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2016-03-26 08:55 AM


I'm not clear if you are talking about your cozy house or your impulse to climb the rooftop. Maybe focus on one or the other. Sorry, don't mind my being fussy  But you've got the mood there for a great write.
scribble
Junior Member
since 2008-03-17
Posts 11

2 posted 2016-03-26 09:57 AM


jjote,

I cannot concentrate on one or the other as the poem is about temptation. The speaker is drawn to something dangerous despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that she is perfectly safe and content in what she has. Both the house and the rooftop are metaphors. I was inspired by the psychological phenomenon where one is inexplicably tempted to jump off of ledges.


jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
3 posted 2016-03-26 10:54 AM


Because you said "Comments welcome!" (and no ill-intentions meant in any of this personal opinion)  j.


I live in a cozy house
and in my house
I know where to find
anything I need  

((I would use "everything" vs "anything")

In my cozy house
(your hand rests on my hip as you turn in your sleep)
there are warm blankets on the shelf
sweaters
in the back of my closet
(behind boxes of photographs, greeting cards)
to keep me warm  

((the above is a wonderful stanza))

And yet
as I approach that rooftop
high, uncertain
(eyes too brown, too tall, too strange)
I seem to have forgotten my address

((This whole, third stanza is too ambiguous  - not giving any insight as to what the rooftop
is, or represents.  Is it budding love (for the one in the bed with you) and fear of getting
deeper involved, or the loss/losing of such love - I mean, what is the "address" being represented?))


I grip the edge with shaking hands
and I hear
whistling
past my ears as I fall
I feel
(hands)
wind in my hair

((Not sure I understand this 4th stanza at all., especially the  "whistling past my ears as I fall  -  I feel (hands) . . . " And in the 5th, stanza - - - ??? sudden remembrance from, because of . . . what?

and the last stanza - still an enigma as to where you're coming from, especially "whistling
past my ears as I fall
I feel
(hands)
wind in my hair".


Personally I like, for a title, "Foolish Impulse" -  but, what that "impulse " is, isn't clear.  Love, deceit . . . thought/dreams . . . or ???  And to me, not only is "the full meaning of my conceit" not clear, but I'm not sure I have any idea what that conceit even is.

Clarity needed in my opinion - lots and lots of potential in this piece, but the reader (this one anyway) doesn't quite  "see" or "become a part" of your vision.))

jwesley
P.S.  -  just saw your explanation to jjote.
If that's what this piece is all about, you really need to consider re-writing, because that's certainly not what comes across - to this reader, anyway (but then I'm still learning how to put feeling and thoughts into written word also . . .).  Still, tremendous potential in what you gave us thus far.


jimmy

scribble
Junior Member
since 2008-03-17
Posts 11

4 posted 2016-03-26 11:18 AM


To answer some of your questions...

I chose the word "anything" over "everything" in the first stanza to express that the home fulfills even the soeaker's  yet unrealized desires as well as those currently perceived.

The "address" refers to the speakers home/relationship ("cozy house") which she forgets when she looks into those strange brown eyes. The ledge/impulse is infidelity, represented by a fall both in love and from grace/security.

This is a third draft of this poem, I added the parentheticals to help direct the reader more toward the true meaning, though I had considered leaving as a person with a safe, "cozy" life who nonetheless feels compelled to scale rooftops and often thinks of jumping. I thought that would help people make their own meaning, but I didn't want it to be interpreted as a suicudal impulse, as that was not my intention. Thoughts?

Thank you for your suggestions. I will consider revising (though I'd rather make it shorter than longer!)

scribble
Junior Member
since 2008-03-17
Posts 11

5 posted 2016-03-26 12:08 PM


I edited the third stanza. Does that clarify it? I realized calling both "you" would be too confusing, so I tried to keep it observational in contrast with the intimacy of home.
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
6 posted 2016-03-26 11:13 PM


Scribble -  I was hesitant about replying to this piece the way I did, but it kind of intrigued me and your asking for comments made me go for it. But in all candor, when a piece doesn't explain itself to me, itself, and the author has to go into such detail to help me understand what it's saying, the piece is far too abstract for my taste and if I say anything about it, it should just be - "I came in, I read it, Thank you for posting."

Be looking forward to reading other pieces by you.

Jimmy

scribble
Junior Member
since 2008-03-17
Posts 11

7 posted 2016-03-27 08:32 AM


Thanks Jimmy. I guess I've reached a point where I believe it is ok for a piece to mean different things to different people. One can read a sonnet and believe it is about love and be moved by the message, then, when digging into its history, realize it is about politics or friendship. Looking at a poem can be personal or factual, but once something is written it is open to interpretation.

Thanks again for your comments!

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