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jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2016-03-09 08:14 PM

[JP - 10syllable now, thanks for the tutoring, and you're right, lines feel tighter]

His voice shimmers with brash intensity
just as inviting as a lion's mouth
he gazes at me with  ferocity.

Luring me is such an audacity
he thinks I'll meekly cower  to his moods,
his voice shimmers with brash intensity.

my mind is full of animosity
I will not dance to his kind of music
he gazes at me with ferocity.

life with him is just a complexity
I no longer have the taste for, although
his voice shimmers with brash intensity.

I feel his pleas are wrapped in falsity
to accept him brings elusive comfort,
he gazes at me with ferocity.

I'm wary of his devious entrapments
promises  continue to linger on
his voice shimmers with brash intensity
he gazes at me with  ferocity.

@jjote 03/09/16

[This message has been edited by jjote (03-10-2016 12:10 PM).]

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2016-03-10 08:52 AM

I'm bleary-eyed, just got out of bed. Good for you for giving Villanelle a try. The only thing I see wrong is that each line should have only ten syllables. Then I rechecked on that and I found out this . . .

The villanelle has no established meter, although most nineteenth-century villanelles had eight or six syllables per line . . .

and most twentieth-century villanelles had ten syllables per line.

So you are correct with your staggered syllable count . . . I, and most "twentieth-century villanelles" prefer the ten syllable count. Eh . . . I guess it is a matter of taste, but the ten syllable count just seems more structured, if you will.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

[This message has been edited by JerryPat2 (03-10-2016 09:32 AM).]

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

2 posted 2016-03-10 05:39 PM

And I thought a villanelle was a woman criminal in one of Alexandre Dumas' novels...?

Nice job JJ I enjoyed the read.

Eric

true love never looks after it's own interests

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2016-03-10 09:17 PM

maybe that's how it got its name- a woman villain, cute ethome, I would not have dreamed it so.:0

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