Open Poetry #49 |
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Tag Along Moon |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA ![]() |
Tag Along Moon~ 'Waited for you till the snow fell down over skin like a thin nightgown, waited for you but you never came round at all. Drank all she could swallow, now the moon's gonna' follow her home'. Patted cheeks dry before North wind stings, eyes blink in the solace of numb air, a stranger's up ahead..moving this way, she's not the only road refugee this dark evening, what weighs him tonight.. what stole the peace from his face, she recognizes that pain, a shared silent bombardment in ache-telepathy, for a split second she wants to speak.. to linger, but the shy of her voice retreats, only the ends of their warm woolen scarves wave goodbye in gusty passing, his footsteps distance themselves, now each of them off to their own shrouded corners, into the cowl-neck of night. Drank all she could swallow, now the moon's gonna' follow her home.. To the left a field of snow, beautifully sculpted in perfect ridges of white, like a ruffled gown with endless train, in chiffon whispers it tells of a short cut to her door, but escort-moon says No, this way.. Each foggy patch of breath the only proof of her existence, this starry night a still-life upon a path of stones. Soft murmurs.. to a Cold tag-along-moon. Drank all she could swallow, now the moon's gonna' follow her home.. © Jan~ lines in quotation from 'Moonsong' By Patty Griffin |
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© Copyright 2015 Jan~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
Ticklefingers Senior Member Posts 710 Louisiana |
Hi rainyday! Nicely penned poetry that flowed along smoothly, if not melodically with a dash of refrain. This was especially cool: quote:Like a powerful set of 'sympathy pains'! 88's friend She told me "play one for your supper Danny and maybe you'll get breakfast". |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
"Drank all she could swallow, now the moon's gonna' follow her home.." You could take these two lines above and find enough inspiration in them to write thousands of poems, and still write more . . . What a dynamic phrase . . . This is an excellent start, and the first of those thousands ~*~ When they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~ |
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Constance Member
since 2001-07-28
Posts 393Ohio |
This is poetry! I could feel the chill of longing in it. Everything about it drew me in and these lines- "for a split second she wants to speak.. to linger, but the shy of her voice retreats, only the ends of their warm woolen scarves wave goodbye in gusty passing," were just perfection. Smiles, Constance |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
This is a beauty! I love the snow and this story set upon it is just beautiful. "only the ends of their warm woolen scarves wave goodbye in gusty passing, his footsteps distance themselves, now each of them off to their own shrouded corners, into the cowl-neck of night." Absolutely loved this part. ~L |
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Pete_W Member Posts 185 Scotland (UK) |
Beautiful poem and filled with lovely images, I think they should have listened to their scarves. Enjoyed. Thanks Pete |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Sad and yet soft ,Jo |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
Thank you Tf, "sympathy pains"..liked that comparison. |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
JP, Yes..That line & the song totally inspired this write. Thanks.. |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
Constance, Thank you for your generous reply, re: the lines you quoted, I tried to use the right kind of wording to let the reader See them passing, hopefully it worked. |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
Thank you L, this one was inspired by that song in particular, glad you liked. |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
Pete, Grinned at your reply, I think you're right. Thanks for the read. |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
Thank you Jo, yes it is a bit forlorn,some are meant to be that way. Appreciate your read. |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: Stunning poem, though the pain plays a major role. But you how intensely you rendered it. Brava! Love, Margherita "Love is the One who masters all things; |
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Mr Martini Member Posts 366 Beneath The Line |
"what weighs him tonight.. what stole the peace from his face". A very good line my dear, enshrined within a lovely poem. Here's to you and here's to me and should we ever disagree, here's to me! |
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rainyday Member Posts 304 Heartland USA |
M. What a lovely response..Thank you. rainyday J Mr. M, Thank you for the read & kind reply. rainyday J |
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