A Duet With Me (rp - for revisions)

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jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

0 posted 2012-01-26 09:20 PM

A Duet With Me

Isacc Hayes - "By The Time I Get To Phoenix"
moans from my radio over and over,
feeding the agony deep in my soul.
I could turn it off -
end the supply of pain it provides -
but don't want to.
Would rather hurt,
feel the death of living without you.
Would rather pay in massive sorrow
for whatever I did to drive you away,
to know life empty, alone.

Small repentance for whatever I said,
or didn't . . .
~~~
By the time I get to Phoenix -
an elusive dream,
a utopian quest never fulfilled,
no matter how many times I try,
how many loves I strive to please -

"Ground Hog Day"
without the happy ending.

Purgatory - maybe Hell.

Maybe - just not meant to be.

Isacc Hayes "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" -
he's gonna moan now . . .

A duet with Me.

© wesley james beard, jr.
(rev) january 2012

(not about me)

[This message has been edited by jwesley (01-27-2012 10:14 AM).]

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2012-01-27 09:35 AM

Let 'im moan, j. Moan with him if you must. Better to take an assessment of life, yours in particular. Taking from someone who has traveled that road. Sometimes it isn't anything "we" have done to drive them away. Sometimes "they" merely have decided it isn't right for them. I have cried, drank myself almost to death, stuck livers of metal in my veins looking for the one that would off me. Never found it, but i did find relief October 2010, and that relief came in forgiving myself of things done "back then," because I was a different man now and what has happened cannot be changed. Good luck . . .

~*~ I gave up feeling guilty just to survive a long time ago ~*~

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

2 posted 2012-01-27 10:15 AM

its so difficult to hurt like that, when someone rejects us....however, if we love them that much, then we've got to let them move on...just wasn't meant to be...

tugged at my heartstrings, sending hugs....

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

3 posted 2012-01-27 10:15 AM

its so difficult to hurt like that, when someone rejects us....however, if we love them that much, then we've got to let them move on...just wasn't meant to be...

tugged at my heartstrings, sending hugs....

tracie66
Member Elite

since 2000-01-18

Posts 4713
Australia

4 posted 2012-01-28 04:50 AM

J ~ felt the pain and emotion in this and due to that I feel terribly bad in saying that I really enjoyed this ~hugs~

Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe
— W. E. Channing

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

5 posted 2012-01-28 07:59 AM

You have written about this particular empty, gaping, ache so well my friend. I'm curious what revisions you made to the original?

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

6 posted 2012-01-28 12:23 PM

Thanks all for the read and comments...

Nicole ... not much, my friend, but I think it reads better now...let me know.

j.

------

A Duet With Me

Isacc Hayes – ‘By The Time I Get To Phoenix’
moans from my radio, over and over,
feeding the agony deep in my soul.
I could turn it off –
end the supply of pain it provides –
but don’t want to.
Want to hurt,
to suffer,
to feel the death of living without you,
to pay in massive sorrow for whatever I did,
to know life, alone, unloved –
small repentance for whatever I said,
or didn’t…
By the time I get to Phoenix –
an elusive dream,
a utopian quest never to be fulfilled
no matter how many times I try,
how many loves I strive to please –
“Ground Hog Day” without the happy ending,
purgatory – maybe Hell,
maybe, just not meant to be.
Isacc Hayes “By The Time I Get To Phoenix” –
he’s gonna moan now…
a duet with me.

wesley james beard, jr.
© September 2001

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

7 posted 2012-01-28 06:33 PM

The changes are subtle, but I really feel like they add to your poem greatly. The addition of the line breaks, creates pauses that feed the image of the hollow ache inside. You've tightened up the words some, and that too, makes it more intense. Rather than musing, it feels heavier and more in tune with the subject.

Very nicely done!

And thank you so much for entertaining my request.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

8 posted 2012-01-31 02:00 PM

"Ground Hog Day"
without the happy ending.

These lines really resonate in me... perhaps because I recognize my repetitions. *S* You've captured the sadness of being unable to change what is... when what is just isn't what you had in mind. Beautiful work!

JL
Member Ascendant

since 2004-04-01

Posts 6128
Texas, USA

9 posted 2012-02-02 06:52 AM

The current version and its predecessor are heart grabbing
to say the least, but I always love revision. You keep the
Emotion alive.
Truly enjoyed!!

JL

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul,and with all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Maranatha!

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

10 posted 2012-02-05 02:07 PM

I, too, love both versions and am always happy to read at the end that the poems are not about you. Doesn't that say a lot about your ability to draw in our emotion and need to care about you - that you have to add that on your poems of loss and heartbreak. Love this, my friend. Love this and your poetry speaks about so much good inside you. Makes me love you too.

A

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