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OwlSA
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-11-07

Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa

0 posted 2013-01-03 07:08 PM

MANILA ENVELOPE
2 January 2013

Flustered
and looking for an account number,
I scratched in a manila envelope
from the ceiling high bookcase
in my beloved study,
and time drifted away
for a few moments
as I skimmed
through yellow pages
of snippets
of this
and that
and other things -
thoughts I wrapped
around myself
so many years ago,
a newspaper page
that didn’t seem to be about anything,
until, when opened up,
displayed inside the whole of
Desiderata,
which was apparently found
in Old Saint Paul’s Church,
Baltimore, dated 1692,
and a poem I wrote
to my as yet unborn daughter –
I read every word of every draft of that –
and thought that perhaps if I sent it to her now,
she may speak to me again –
though with a sigh and a sad smile,
I realised and remembered and accepted
that that wouldn’t happen,
for her tangled imagination
and the image she projected,
and possibly even believed,
of being an unloved child -
despite everything that negated that -
and her iron will
and determination
to blame me for everything bad
that had ever happened to her
even years after she emigrated to Australia,
would banish the slightest softness
from what sometimes is her heart -
and her volatile temper
that she throws at anyone
who doesn’t agree with her,
would reign
again,
as always,
supreme.
Rough copies
of letters to my late divorced husband
pleading with him to communicate
with the children
could have proved some points
to my daughter,
but with which I wouldn’t hurt her
nor his memory,
nor would I want my son to read
one day
in this poem.
I puzzled over a page of strange-looking calculations,
in a handwriting that wasn’t mine,
though I guessed whose it may have been,
but not what it was about.
A copy of the letter
to my children
to be given to them
in the event of my death
when I went on a trip to Greece
to enhance my Classical Civilisation studies
as a major when I did my degree
in my thirties,
made me smile,
and again I wished that my daughter
could warm to it . . .
I scrutinised the handwriting of a passionate, one-sentence
love note to me on a torn scrap of paper, in Afrikaans,
but don’t remember, for the life of me, who wrote it,
though could make a few vague guesses.
A piece of prose
shocked and reminded me
of the intensity of the hate
that I had forgotten I had had, as a child,
for my acidic mother
who ruled me by fear
all those years ago
and in praise of my father and stepmother
before I learned first hand
how icy-cold horror-hateful they were.
A Greek stamp torn from an envelope
probably had enclosed a letter
from that Greek god
I met in Santorini.
There was a poem to a boyfriend
and a very official IOU
in my handwriting
that he signed to me,
though I doubt that he ever paid me back,
and,
on the back of a corner of a French exam paper
I set in November 1975,
a handwritten advertisement
for the sale of his Alpha 1600 GT Sprint
with my telephone number to reply to.
There was a letter to My Diary,
pages long, about decisions I had made,
but I just glanced
through it because
the time that had drifted away,
was tapping me on the shoulder,
and,
as I slowly replaced the bits and pieces
of my life and wishes and heart-pourings,
that I had long forgotten,
I promised myself
and my cat and my dog
that
some day,
I would return
with deserved reverence
to the manila envelope.

Owl

Victoria

Member Ascendant

since 2000-08-12

Posts 5869

1 posted 2013-01-03 08:40 PM

Sounds like you have had an interesting life Diana.(I love that name)I feel like I know you so well now.
Also sounds like you could write an interesting book. I also have one of those twenty year old letters you were speaking of that I should have mailed a long time ago...but for fear of hurting someone I havent. This was so heartfelt and I just felt like hugging you. I hope the new year brings lots of happiness and good fortune.

Love Victoria

Richy
Member Elite

since 2003-05-03

Posts 3050

2 posted 2013-01-03 09:14 PM

oh my gosh Diana, just know that we are listening and sending a great big, concerted hug.. bless you my friend.. (((You)))

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-11-07

Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa

3 posted 2013-01-04 08:46 AM

Thank you, Victoria and Richy for your kind words and hugs and good wishes. I really appreciate them. However, I just need to mention that this was a happy poem, if somewhat touched by nostalgia – looking for something as boring as an account number – and yet finding a treasure trove of memories, some long forgotten. Smiles.

Owl

latearrival
Member Ascendant

since 2003-03-21

Posts 5499
Florida

4 posted 2013-01-04 10:01 PM

Diana, I have spent many afternoons that turned into evenings doing just what you have written. I never become sad because counting the all of it and the smiles it sometimes bring to fore,I love it when I go back in time. I have as I once told you,lots of notes, pages of writing and many cards and letters that I go through in an attempt to pull it all together, and ridding space they take. But I fear that will never happen. I sometimes throw away a few scraps and wonder why I keep it all. I still envision the family becoming upset and just hiring a large trash bin and throwing it all out. I will not be here to see it go so I don't mind that at all. But tell me, do we keep all the love letters that came years after my husband's death, from another man who made me care for him because of his kindness and words? Love to you, jo

Spiros Zafiris
Senior Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 982
Canada

5 posted 2013-01-05 02:41 AM

..your heart's truth once more--i understand
about the envelope..i have a box full--so full, they stick out, each one sealed..and you should have seen the stuff (mementos,
whatnot) i once threw out finally..i won't say
how many green plastic garbage bags, all told,i threw into the dumpster..it's a new year..happy poem time..>>spiros
~~

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-11-07

Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa

6 posted 2013-01-05 06:38 AM

Martyjo, thank you for your beautiful Martyjo-response. Yes, I remember very well you telling me about the notes and scraps of paper you keep. I am glad you do. It enriches our lives to be able to go back into the past and relive memories.

Thank you Spiros for your lovely reply too. I am also glad you keep things like this too. It seems a pity to have thrown those other ones out, but I am sure that the memories still live on in your heart. And yes, it is a new year and a happy poem time.

Owl

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

7 posted 2013-01-05 10:58 AM

Diana, I think I am going through this right now. At least I don't feel alone going about it or that I am crazy in doing so.

I am trying to sort out my life and organize it (not ridding of anything) just putting it all in order, just to satisfy myself and enjoying the past memories.

A wonderful poem to read.

Thanks and Happy New Year

M

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-11-07

Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa

8 posted 2013-01-05 11:10 AM

Thank you, Maureen. I am deeply glad I could help you feel better about doing this. I would love to have the time to do it with everything, but sadly I don't. I think it is a very good thing to do.

Happy New Year to you, too.

Hugs
Owl

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