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jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

0 posted 2012-05-26 10:45 PM

The Beast Inside

Days spent tied to the bed
in terminal illness,
sparks, among other things,
suicidal tendencies.

You wish you were dead,
though dying really isn't an option -
life is the only alternative,
at least that's what you think
until the pain, again,
relentlessly tears through to your soul
and though the tears you ask God -
"Why?   What did I ever do to you?"

Answers never come.
Just the nurse
in response to your crushing the call button.

A needle prick,
and like magic the pain ebbs . . .
fifteen seconds, sixteen, seventeen . . . oh,
it's almost orgasmic!
It feels so good the way the pain flows away.
You feel it getting weaker and weaker, until,
it's just a tiny spot deep inside,
lingering - gone.

"Sorry God," you whisper, contritely,
"I know it's not your fault."

Or is it, you wonder.

Is this part of His grand plan
for the perfect soul you’re supposed to become?
Did you step on his toes in a past life?
Is He making you pay in this one?
Is this cancer gnawing away at your insides,
His way of telling you -  you screwed up!

Nah,
that can't be true.
He's a loving God.

Loving Gods don't torture their creations.

Still,
when the ugly maw of the beast inside
starts chewing away again,
and the pain is a living entity
ripping you apart,
you question everything - even Him.
You blame everything on - particularly Him.
It's all you have to keep you sane
until the medicine dulls the teeth of the beast,
and let's you breathe again.
Him, who's going to be standing there,
waiting,
when the ultimate pain killer kicks in,
and you look down on the shell of yourself.

Motionless, dead.

Your only wish,
is that you could have told them all goodbye.
Those beside your bed, crying.
Your only wish,
that you could have hugged them all
one more time.

That you could have lived one more day.

Pain,
sears through your body, again,
screaming, you were only asleep.

"Oh God, oh God,"
you cry from deep inside
as you crush the call button, again,
as you realize

your wish has been granted.

You're going to live!

At least,
one,  more . . . day.

~ ~ ~

Note:

Not about me; about friends and relatives that
have suffered, and or, died, of cancer, of one kind or another.

© wesley james beard, jr.
    may 2012

ebonygirl
Member Elite

since 2011-07-14

Posts 2000
California U.S.A

1 posted 2012-05-27 02:10 AM

And the beast rages on...
J, profound poetry.
ms. e

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

2 posted 2012-05-27 02:14 AM

very deep abd rhoughtful, we must kill the beast very soon , thanks a lot

yann

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

3 posted 2012-05-27 06:50 AM

I'm in the middle of a novel I have named, The Late Great God, and it is about one man's quest to find the answers to why God allows very young children to die from painful deaths. It is said our pain results from our sins, but very young children are not sinful. And when they tell me that theirs is an inherited sin I can only shake my head and wonder how they can believe in a God who allows such as that to go on.

~*~ Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.--Aristotle ~*~

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

4 posted 2012-05-27 09:33 AM

Hard for me to read this, Jimmy. I've seen the "Beast" up close and personal and I understand your questioning.
Ida

Startime1955
Senior Member

since 2012-04-22

Posts 1072
Alberta, Canada

5 posted 2012-05-27 02:20 PM

Powerful and filled with emotion...a stunning read that brings tears to the eyes...*HUGS*

*may our dreams ever be magical*

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

6 posted 2012-05-27 02:21 PM

Yeah, that dispicable disease took three of my family members over the years.

Hey, you wrote this with a tremendous amount of passion.
The images are vivid and clear.
God's hardly the one to be blamed. He didn't invent the fossil fuel engines and furnaces that are destroying the planet.

Sadly, I sincerely don't believe they really want to cure cancer. They simply
want you to be able to manage it somehow.
After all it's a multi-billion dollar industry worldwide.
I'm not being a pessimist but a realist.
The almighty dollar makes the world spin in every direction.

Good writing!

Eric

true love never looks after it's own interests

rabittlover
Junior Member

since 2012-04-07

Posts 46

7 posted 2012-05-31 12:09 PM

Amazing, well done.

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