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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2010-04-07 12:10 PM

Beyond our cage of ribs
Locked in its ebony crib
A heart beats a song
Aching as it goes along

You can hear the tune
Ring throughout its many rooms
Chambers run by their gears
Thumping through the tears

Protecting while it wails
In fear or what might entail
Chin high and standing tall
Singing just to break its own fall

shirtless
Member

since 2006-04-29

Posts 359

1 posted 2010-04-12 12:02 PM

Some really hefty images and ideas here, but I'd like to make a suggestion. Avoid rhyme. Rhyme often trivializes serious themes. I've read a couple of your poems and will be looking for more.

poetry podcasts, blogs and photopoems at URL= http://anthonyarmstrong.ca

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2010-04-12 11:15 PM

Thanks shirtless! Yeah I understand that. Rhyming is just my voice. Otherwise my free writes is me rambling I fear. :/ But thanks for the suggestion! I'll try to work on that.

-Zach

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2010-04-19 06:37 PM

Enjoyed...James

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

4 posted 2010-04-19 06:42 PM

"We'll chase them like rats across the tundra."

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

5 posted 2010-04-19 06:44 PM

I disagree! I think the rhyme here works. It creates a strong rhythm, which in this case adds to the power of your images. Sometimes rhyme feels forced, but I think you did it well. Nicely written!

Spiros Zafiris
Senior Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 982
Canada

6 posted 2010-04-19 11:48 PM

..hello..

..quite indeed; pain melodically coveyed;
i enjoyed the lyricism..thanks..

..spiros
---------------

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

7 posted 2010-04-20 12:09 PM

Nice

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

steavenr
Member Elite

since 2003-11-17

Posts 4058

8 posted 2010-04-20 11:54 AM

I've read this several times at different times and I still find myself drawn to your opening lines most...enjoyed the read...

Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

9 posted 2010-04-20 08:11 PM

This is excellent, many will relate I'm sure, as I certainly do!
I agree with shirtless that rhyming can trivialize (spme) themes, but not always. In fact, I've read a plethora of rhyming poetry about serious topics and it actually makes it more powerful and shows genuine talent on the poet's part. So, I feel that the rhyming scheme in this poem is perfect and powerful.

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