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Open Poetry #46
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Waitress Hips - (please critique)
| Open Poetry #46 |
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Waitress Hips - (please critique) |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
the sway of 6 am truck stop rhythm swing of waitress hips turned between tight tables slide of chipped plates eggs over-easy shimmy of waitress hips quick twist through pushed-out chairs pockets fill up jam packets toothpicks dimes butterscotch candy gifts from old men blue collar cadence weary when each pot of coffee weighs down on those hips just a little more |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
sway of 6 am truck stop rhythm swing of waitress hips turned between tight tables slide of chipped plates' eggs over-easy shimmy to waitress hips quick twist through pushed-out chairs pockets fill up jam packets toothpicks dimes butterscotch candy gifts from old men blue collar cadence weary when each pot of coffee weighs down on waitress hips just a little more  |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
holy crap, thank you. i tried for so long to get the line breaks right, so that they'd have energy, but still make sense. good job! |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Good job to both of you. I learned from icebox's suggestions too. A |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
I too very much like the energy of this. With a small line switch, and one word change, this also could be played off the different prepositions: of, at, by, to, through, with, from, on; there is no "right" way. Poetry is a trail of adventure. truck stop rhythm swing of waitress hips sway at 6 am turned between tight tables' slide by chipped plates' eggs over-easy shimmy to waitress hips quick twist through pushed-out chairs with pockets filled up jam packets toothpicks dimes butterscotch candy gifts from old men blue collar cadence weary when each pot of coffee weighs down on waitress hips just a little more |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
thanks for the second alternate. the first one appeals to me a little more though. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Like the thoughts here...my ex-wife used to be a waitress and she would bring home pockets full of bills and change...James |
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