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Open Poetry #46
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Santa Speedo Run
| Open Poetry #46 |
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Santa Speedo Run |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(I'm proud to unwrap a brand new poem for y'all, partially based on a real-life experience of mine this past Saturday where I, myself, participated in Portland's second-ever Santa Speedo Run. This trend-setting tradition began in Boston, Massachusetts on December 16th, 2000, when a group of five friends had met weekly at the Sevens Bar on Charles Street: bored with their routine lifestyles and wanting to do something outrageous just for a change of pace. They then thought of the idea of running down Newbury Street in nothing but Speedos but, when they had expected twenty total runners and were alarmed to find it was still just the five of them-----decided to take a chance..........and, stripped down to their Speedos with a boombox playing "The Muppets Christmas Carols" tucked under their arms..........they ran straight down Newbury Street in downtown Boston..............overwhelmed by the massive applause and cheer they generated, KNEW following the spectacle that they could help harness that enthusiasm and fuse it toward a charitable cause every year. Since then, a handful of other major cities have started their own Santa Speedo Runs which also benefit local charities.............but it remains a widely-unknown phenomenon that is still looking for more brave trend-setters......................................of which I am one!    I'm not a drinker myself (although I did dance like a deviant elf there and someone spilled beer on my head!  but nonetheless had quite a time there and intend to make this a holiday tradition on my part for future years! Anywhooooo.....enjoy, and here's some video too from the actual event I attended, bwaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!) * Santa Speedo Run By: Lisping Hibiscus 12/2/10 Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * Every Christmas season, you bet I'll get my festive fix, I export more powdered snow than the Heilongjiang Province, I ring more silver bells than Mykola Leontovych, and make spirits brighter than all of downtown Natchitoches. I re-enact "Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus", at 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street, right on her front lawn, in the form of a puppet show, where my friends form flash mobs, dressed as fairies, crawling like ants and eating Ganzeltopf. Yes, all my friends think I've had too much cranberry kissel, ah, but this year I'm craving more than just Bûche de Noël! Word has it the North 45 Degrees Pub is hosting, a historic first for this town that will leave eyes bulging! Now this time, instead of overreaching and thinking big, I'm gonna do some downsizing, be a minimalist! Less is more and next to nothing, curiously enough! So take it all off and jingle that thong like Aubrey Huff! (That's the holiday spirit, now!) * Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * My girlfriend told me: "Are you insane? Have you thought this through? You'll look like an idiot! You might get arrested too! Think of all those kibitzers with their Nokia N8's! You'll flood Facebook news feeds and become YouTube's latest jape! I said, "Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! (I'd kill to be as famous as spacelord72!) When there's an open mind, there will always be a frontier, I ain't no clay pigeon, I'm doin' this for me, you hear? And I'm doin' this for the kids, for all event proceeds, will benefit Cradles to Crayons, a great charity, that provides local children with textbooks and school supplies! For the spirit of Christmas feeds the hunger of (wo)mankind!" She said, "What if it's snowing? You'll get hypothermia!" I said, "Don't trust the weatherman and his hyperbola! Besides, in Boston they've braved it through the black ice and slush, at below-freezing temperatures! They ain't daft as a brush!" She replied, "Well don't come crying to me if you slip up, and finish up with chondromalacia patellae!" I answered back, "Hey, that's exactly why we do stretches! In fact, along the route we pause to do calisthenics! They've been known to improve the muscle's elasticity, and reaffirm comfortable muscle tone, specifically. Squat thrusts! Russian twists! Jumping jacks and One Half Locusts! Elbow circles! Crosscut Lunge! Flutter-kicking chauvinist! Yep, don't need no Alexander Method or Feldenkrais, to keep your heart-rate up and condition that supple spine, no Wunda Chairs or Pedi-Poles as used in pilates, we jocks rock it like it's the Battle of Thermopylae!" She cocked her head peevishly, and breathed: "You don't even drink!" I said, "You're right! Ninkasi's legacy just ain't my thing! I suppose it has something to do with how I was raised! Like when I'd go with my dad to these college football games... ...and we'd sit there in the twelfth row of Section 23, at Autzen Stadium to cheer the Ducks to victory... ...and I recall one fateful October day years ago, when they were playing the USC Trojans there at home... ...and right after the Ducks won a nail-biter of a bowl, the crowd noise reached 128 decibels, and this guy behind me must have screamed louder than Jill Drake, only to then hurl a sour-lager-vomit bouquet. I had never felt so violated in all my life, to the point any scent of beer can leave me traumatized! But pubs must serve Nicaraguan Negroni Punch, indeed! Or probably a Scroogedriver or Pravda Mintini!" She appeared to be cooling down, winking with a sly grin, then added: "When will you be back here, my Frosty Noggin?" as she caressed my hair and wrapped me in a deep warm hug, pecking me with an Eskimo kiss snow owls must dream of. And I kissed her back on the lips, then said: "Oh, pretty fast! It's Finals Week! Most those college students datebooks are crammed! By 4 PM, they won't be nailing their hues to the mast! Trust me, I'll be back to start some cider in a flash!" (It's go time!) * Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * Skip to my closet, adoring myself in the mirror, I hardly possess the body of a bodybuilder, I'll never have the trapezius of Serge Nubret, but I've still got some mighty fine damn sexy quadriceps! I slip on that aforementioned silky red V-back thong, (Love how it accentuates the roundness of my bon-bon!) then I slap on a pair of string light candy cane stockings, and shoes shaped just like sugar cookies, smothered with frosting. Next, a pair of ski goggles with a Christmas wreath framing, and twinned "No L" (get it.....NO L!) earrings all jangling, and last but not least my springy Santa hat on my head, mottled with jingle bells and the perfume of gingerbread. I hoist a bag of clothes to change into on my shoulder, then scud out like I'm Winter Solstice's chief stakeholder! Setting to Moravian motion a full sail wassail, that's foreordained to render obsolete the Beaufort scale! Join us, kick up your "32 Feet and Eight Little Tails", get out of those redingotes, windbreakers and farthingales! Bring a torch (I mean a fake one) Jeanette, Isabella! And recite "Dominick the Donkey" in a capella! aussieBUMS, Joe Boxers, Saxx Apparels and C-IN2's, Agent Provacateurs, Maidenforms and EVA Dessous, organic cotton, bamboo, microfiber or guipure, suit yourself, show 'em what you've got, we ain't being demure! Follow that used 2WD GMC pickup, vamping reindeer antlers and decked with baubles and hyssop! Stay together! Lest we forget, the streets are NOT closed down! So stay on the right side of the street, and pace yourself now! Be my guest! High-five all the holiday shoppers abound! And don't forget to stretch at every stop light we flag down! The last thing you would want for Christmas is a Baker's Cyst! So drop down and give the course marshall twenty-five crunches! We'll even take a detour at the REI outlet, and run a lap around their store like Jack Frost at recess! You'll keep feelin' the burn, your nose won't even catch a chill, hotfoot it like a cricket on the hearth at nimble will! Wow, we just crossed the finish line! My legs feel like rubber! With all that ballyhoo you just drew, Yule Be So Poplar, egressing that largesse so we can help make spirits bright! Let's hope we're setting a trend that'll stand the tests of time! Woot Woot! We sure as Krampus looked smack-dab mischievous, like we were protesting the Census of Quirinius! I'm sure I'll be featured on the Ten O'Clock News tonight! Now if you will excuse me... (holds mouth) ...I need to go chuck some Christmas cookies! (Christ Alive!) Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! . . . (hysterical laughter) (Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? Because they both drop their needles! Ahahahahahaha!!! ...ohhhhh, there goes the hot buttered rum...) "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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| © Copyright 2010 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mikeandrew Member
since 2010-11-18
Posts 198 |
excellent work! |
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JerryPat Senior Member
since 2010-10-30
Posts 1991Louisiana/America |
Looks like a lot of "cheaters" in the Speedo crowd to me. If you're going to do it why not do it correctly. . . . and the Raven said, %!~#&(&#!$! |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
You said exactly what I was thinking! At least two out of three overdressed, in my opinion! CHEATERS!!! I, on the other end........let's just say I had the skimpiest little red suit of all there, and I can be seen mid-way in the video's 44 seconds!  Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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threadbear Senior Member
since 2008-07-10
Posts 817Indy |
hehe haha hoho! this is one poem that would be a BEAR to memorize and recite! Jeff |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (sigh) You're right, and tough luck with me memorizing any verse, for that matter! I have excellent long-term memory retention, but lousy short-term memory! I always leave my wallet in my shorts pocket and it ends up in numerous laundry cycles! Go figure!  Thanks soooooooooo much for your kind words! Happy Holidays! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
haha ha.You are forever on stage. Can you believe I took Feldenkrais group excercises! I also have the Alexander method book. They are terrific. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(laughs) I'm glad you understood I wasn't really knocking on either method of kinetic movement and holistic living, and was simply trying to turn jock stereotypes on their head and provide playful wry commentary! (giggles) I'm actually a fan of both Feldenkrais and the Alexander Method, as well as Ecstatic Dance in particular. If anything, while calisthenics are certainly very effective and do a lot of good, they're nonetheless not as appealing to me as other forms of movement and exercise because of their rigidity and monotony. I like more free-form, fluid movement in particular! But you would know that by now! (laughs)  Happy Holidays, my friend!  Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Yes, Noah,I am a fan of yoga too when taught by the right person.And if I could really dance I would be doing more of that that too. LOL jo |
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Angel4aKing Senior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 1372USA |
Two thumbs up!!  I have family in Portland I will ask her if she has heard of you.....~~~kingsangel~~~ |
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