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Daddy Goose38
Member

since 2010-09-04

Posts 430
obama's a rice paper tiger

0 posted 2010-11-10 07:54 PM

Nerve gas

The chemistry in my mouth is so bad
That a spontaneous chemical reaction
Results in a deadly nerve gas called serine,
So toxic that a pinch of it could kill an elephant.
Frightened, my mouth closed, I go to the hospital.
The doctors warn me not to swallow
Because the gas is poisonous and would kill me.
They tell me not to open my mouth
Because then the gas would escape and kill the doctors.
Hold on, they say, hold on,
Until they can find a way to safely remove the gas.
Then all my teeth, corroded by the gas, fall out.
Now I can’t open my mouth
Because it is full of blood and tooth fragments
That would then fall out.

Eusta B. Mae
Senior Member

since 2010-05-03

Posts 903

1 posted 2010-11-11 08:36 AM

Sweet Daddy you dreamer! You keep reminding me of dreams I've had! I've lost my teeth a time or two. I'm sure that is subject to interprtation but I'd rather not know...

ebm

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

2 posted 2010-11-11 04:06 PM

I've got to say, Daddy Goose, that I enjoy this a great deal and admire it as a poem. Should you care to do so, it might be tightened up a bit, depending on your ambitions for it. If it's simply for you, stop here and you're fine. If you're thinking about some sort of publication, you might consider some small excisions: a deletion of "That" in line two, a consideration of whether you want to use the word "deadly" in the phrase "deadly nerve gas," since it may be a bit of a tautology, a consideration of shifting the metaphor "a Pinch" to something more descriptive of a gas than a powder or a solid.

You have used a number of clauses including "because" in a laudable attempt to try to anchor causality. "Because the gas is poisonous," is the first example. You might consider flipping the order of the two lines around to read

quote:

The gas is poisonous and would kill me;
The doctors warn me not to swallow

another possibility, used around another use of "because" might be

quote:

Now I can’t open my mouth,
Full of blood and tooth fragments
That would then fall out.

The repetitions of "because" take away from the progression of the poem, for me, in this case, though it's certainly possible that this could be an individual quirk of mine. You'd have to think it over. I enjoyed this piece a great deal and thought it quite talented.

Sincerely, Bob Kaven

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