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Open Poetry #46

Fading Apart

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

0 posted 2010-10-25 05:37 AM

We are fading apart,
We two kindred hearts.
And oh! How it smarts!
This pain in my breaking heart!

My fondness for you has no end.
You, my dear, close friend.
Yet we're apart again and again.
Friendship scattering on the wind.

Have I done some unknown crime?
Has your care for me begun to fade with time?
Has our friendship begun to unwind?
Has the rope of camaraderie become twine?

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
But apart, it seems, our hearts do wander.
It makes me think, makes me ponder.
As your absence makes me fonder and fonder.

We are fading apart,
We two kindred hearts.
And oh! How it smarts!
This pain in my breaking heart!

-Arana Darkwolf
Like a cat, I'll land on my feet. I always do.

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

1 posted 2010-10-26 06:14 PM

I like this piece but I feel you need to expand a bit and try to stay away from rhyme schemes like this, its a bit jarring to the reader. Overall nice piece!

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

2 posted 2010-10-26 06:27 PM

Thank you for the feedback, though I wonder if you could elaborate a bit. How is the rhyme scheme jarring?

-Arana Darkwolf
Like a cat, I'll land on my feet. I always do.

katahdin
Senior Member

since 2010-07-01

Posts 1196
ME. In the Shadow of the Mt.

3 posted 2010-10-28 10:39 PM

I liked your rhyming scheme. As someone at PIP once told me that what ever you do, make it your own. If you like it then that's what counts. Enjoyed!
Kat >^..^<

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