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Wish
| Open Poetry #47 |
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Wish |
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abhursty Junior Member
since 2009-02-25
Posts 45 |
Wish Lost inside your mind Just wanting to be found Wishing you were dead Buried in the ground Lost inside your mind Needing someone to be there Wishing you were dead But you know, no one's here Lost inside your mind Clutching at your fears Wishing you were dead You're hiding every tear Lost inside your mind Screaming out my name Wishing you were dead Left with nothing to gain I'm lost inside my mind I'm reaching out my hand You're dying as I grab you You slip through my grip, just like sand. This is a poem I wrote for me and a close friend of mine. Comments on how I can improve my writing are always welcome. ^.^ |
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| © Copyright 2011 Abigail Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
I read this and see conflicting emotions running rampant throughout. First off, I want to say I can certainly empathize with your loss. You have my condolences. So far as your request suggestions for improvement however, the first thing I tell any poet/would-be-poet is to remain true to your emotion. Write what you feel… don’t let the form or rhyme scheme dictate what you pen. I would much rather feel someone’s true emotion than read a poem with perfect meter and rhyme but having no emotional substance to it any day. Then again, I will die an obscure poet… and my rules of thumb are definitely not the industry standard. If the self-contradiction was intentional, (just wanting to be found/wishing you were dead), than I suppose you have done this. Those lines threw me though… and it appears throughout that you are placing your wishes into the thoughts of the friend you lost. I don’t often critique, and this is sure a personal poem… so I hope my opinion isn’t offending in any personal manner. Just wanting to offer some advice: I think it important that you maintain the revealing of your wishes within the poem, but being careful to distinguish them from the other party’s. Michael |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Lost inside your mind Screaming out my name Wishing you were dead Left with nothing to gain Michael has given you much better advice than I ever could. Aside from punctuation and spelling, I wouldn't know where to begin to help someone improve their writing... if I did, I'd improve my own!  Trying to balance two voices/perspectives is hard. For me, the verse above is the most powerful... in part because it's all from one person's viewpoint. I'm sorry you're going through such sadness and look forward to reading more of your work. |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
You could re-think this from the point of your most simple thought: wishing you were dead, I am lost... Then, say why. |
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