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faithmairee
Senior Member

since 2011-01-05

Posts 1441
Poe Haven, USA

0 posted 2011-01-18 08:46 PM

you know better than anyone
how to entice me
and i am here for you
as surely as the night
turns into day
would knowing that
you've occupied my dreams
tend to disturb you
i dare not tell you all
though i'm not ashamed
to say we sank to heaven
in each others arms

yes, i've loved you to excess
you are my hope, my liking, my life
i adore your eyes
so full of fire
i shall not wander far
forever true for so gentle
a man exists in you and yet
with the slightest touch
of your hand
my pulse goes wild

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2011-01-18 08:58 PM

Dear Faith,

I see so much potential in this write.

BUT, like one of my friends,
you do not believe in commas, periods,
anything to announce a break in flow.

Sometimes, line breaks can be all that a poem needs...
but sometimes?

Line breaks need some punctuation. One has to be genius in how line breaks can pause
without such...

me, I'm not one of them.

While I appreciate this poem very much?
I could see where some punctuation could have been used to make the sound of it roar.

But that's me.

And I thank you for turning on your Constructive Critique message.

JerryPat
Senior Member

since 2010-10-30

Posts 1991
Louisiana/America

2 posted 2011-01-18 09:05 PM

I used to be pretty much the way Sunshine is about poetry, faith. I have changed. As you can see from the majority of my posts I go free style all the way. I will use capitalization now and again when I want to make a point or where it is proper to do to and I ALWAYS capitalize the letter "I".

~ Clones are people two ~

faithmairee
Senior Member

since 2011-01-05

Posts 1441
Poe Haven, USA

3 posted 2011-01-18 09:11 PM

Hi, Sunshine..You said this one could use puctuation to make it roar but don't tell me where it's needed...well, unlike most of my poems i did use some commas...guess it wasn't enough...and i've had my critique message on since i got here but i guess you didn't know that...

thanks for reading and commenting

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

faithmairee
Senior Member

since 2011-01-05

Posts 1441
Poe Haven, USA

4 posted 2011-01-18 09:15 PM

JerryPat-Yes, i noticed that about your work and i write like that too except i don't often capitalize I...i love your style and reading your work is a real pleasure

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

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