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Open Poetry #47
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Eighteen Years
| Open Poetry #47 |
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Eighteen Years |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California 
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Eighteen Years Eighteen years ago I was a man who had it figured out, When I knew all and conquered all, and faced life without doubt. Impervious to emotion, I scoffed at other’s tears, Then your eyes closed and fate exposed me to my deepest fears. It started slow but faster than a blink overtook me – The confidence turned to expense, wasted so wistfully. Enamored thus, such devotion offered little protection… My foremost sin, faith drawn of men, the gift of self-deception. With its approach I, day by day, would not believe it true. Like somehow I might yet defy the claim death laid on you. Till with reproach I turned away, failure confirmed in silence. Peace having fled, the mercies bled, all left to me was violence. A role of stoic principle, my melodramatic task. Self hardening, pain pardoning, I drew to my face the mask. How could I know the given rule in donning another’s shell? The whitewashed face still leaves a trace of your own personal hell. The short-lived façade crumbling, cracks filled my very essence, As sanity was torn from me – God how I missed your presence. Hell’s road is broad and I, stumbling, found comfort to be denied. The tears flowed free for all to see, as with you I buried pride. I’m here, I’m not, and though self-willed, cannot seem to stop the train. I hurt, I don’t, and want but won’t for know far too well the pain. I tear down all I try to build, my hands but the instruments Of self accost, and standards lost, within yesterday’s laments. For it was only yesterday that your hand would guide my own. Far healthier and happier I stood, and not alone. Given to a better way, through you I drew my strength, Till all I knew, and that through you, was stripped from me at length. ‘Only wanted to make you proud – the how I never knew. Now, with you gone and the bridge drawn, what am I left to do? Why should I care? Why do I dare? Times broken me it appears… Within this haze of yesterdays, it seems I’ve lost eighteen years. Michael Anderson Like one that on a lonesome road Doth walk in fear and dread, And having once turned round walks on, And turns no more his head... Coolridge |
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| © Copyright 2011 Michael Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Michael, This is a poem I am going to come back to and I'll let you know when I do. It's deep and fills me with emotions as I read. I do really identify with, and am struck by, these two lines. quote: Alison |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
One of the best "fessing up" poems I've read in many a day, Michael. I have written many such poems over the years attempting to find peace within myself. I finally did last October, and although things still hurt, I have managed to forgive myself of things I had done. "I tear down all I try to build," . . . If I had all I had torn asunder, Michael, . . . well, let's just say I understand the need to destroy. It is a false need for the most part, but it is still a need. This poem touched me. I saw myself in it. ~ Eggs and bacon, honeymoon style / What's honeymoon style? / Straight up and hard. ~ |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nodding with glum understanding. (I've picked up Nietzche again, though--and that's enough to depress the hell out of anybody.)  From the preface to his essay, "The Geneology of Morals": "We knowers are unknown to ourselves, and for a good reason: how can we ever hope to find what we have never looked for?" I'm stuck on the first sentence. I've been looking for me all of my life--in other people.  Check your e-mail, lovie. If this post is any indication, your writing has more layered depth than ever.  |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
What an amazingly good attempt to come to terms with fate, dear Michael. Profound psychological poetic ponderings that make the reader a privileged witness of your soul storms. Highly appreciated. Love, Margherita |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Alison, In those two lines in particular I tried to emphasize the chaos that has become my life... the self-contradiction of need, the fear of that very same need, and the denial that always seems to impose itself into the situation. Anyhow, glad you enjoyed the read. JerryPat2, It really does seem to be an unconsciousness "need" to destroy at times. Though it's comforting to think someone could understand this, it concerns me for their well being also. I sincerely hope you have had better luck dealing with this need than I have. Karen, Nietzche eh? Yeah, that'll work you over if you let it. Will get you an email today. and so far as the depth of my writing, it seems to be proportionally related to how bad I manage to screw up things in me life... lolMargherita, Thank you for the compliments. Fate is funny like that ain't she... kind of forces you to come to terms with her whether you want to or not. I'm glad you enjoyed the read as well.Michael |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
The story your poem tells touches me deeply. For some of us, losing the chance to ever get the verification we crave from the ones we need to hear it from leads to assumptions we would never have been deserving of their pride... and that can be all too self-fulfilling. Aside from that, I'm absolutely in awe of your rhyme... simply fantastic! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
It seems that when a loved one passes far too early to see us be given the truest test of time, that it was not they that failed us, but that somehow we might have failed them in "not getting with it" soon enough to know that the seeds they had sown bore some truly delicious and respectable fruit. It doesn't help you for me to say, "I know what this is like," but what might be considered is that I understand.  |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
suthern, I do believe I am guilty of such assumptions. Even knowing this, I find it extremely difficult to change my ways of thinking. Creatures of habit and all that I suppose. I am glad that you enjoyed the poem. Thank you. K, I would like to believe that some good fruit was bore in me... I don't often see it though. You have a way of making me see what I can't on my own though. I do believe you "understand" and that means alot to me. Thank you. |
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ebonygirl Member Elite
since 2011-07-14
Posts 2000California U.S.A |
Your poem touched my heart again. Love lost is so difficult to live through. ebonygirl |
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